So I've met this person thanks to Kelso, and I'm falling really hard really, really fast. That's all.

I thought you were there to support me. God damnit.

Yu know, if you're going to be a bigoted idiot and blabbering your ignorance all over the place, dont get pissed when the librarian splits up your group for talking inappropriately about homosexuality. Fuck you, mrs. Szefi is my hero.

I find myself wondering why I ever fell in love with either of you, really. I'm a theatre nerd, and I can't rink of anything but My Chemical Romance and show tunes on an average day. You like sex and science and maths, while I only enjoy chemistry. B, you only like sitting around at home and writing and you're a family person. Wile I have qualities I love about both of you, icant seem to understand why in the world I ever fell for either f you as hard as I did.

WE ARE READING THE GREAT GATSBY IM SO HAPPY

I just read through all my old posts on here about you, and I miss you so much. Come back to America please, baby. We need to have a real conversation.

I have to do a performance piece with RebeckahSam in theatre and I think we are going to do "Marry The Man Today" from Guys and Dolls. I love it already.

Why is it so hard to find a good (or a plain video) if someone performing a piece from Women and War? It's such a fantastic play... I just want ton watch it again.

i'll be doing this.

1. Many people say the most influential persons in their lives are their parents. That’s just too predictable. Whatunexpected individual has had a significant affect on how your life is headed today?
2. What have you missed out on because of fear? What different sorts of activities or experiences have you chosen not to do? Does fear play a part in your decision-making?
3. Do you consider yourself to be sexually confident? Do you think you have a healthy outlook and perspective on what sex is for and what it means on a deeper level? What is that?
4. What’s the story of your website? How would you feel if it was deleted tomorrow?
5. What was the biggest lie you ever told? Did anyone find out? Did you benefit from it?
6. Have you ever acted in a way that went against your values/morals/ethics? In other words, have you been a hypocrite?
7. When was the last time you inspired someone? Feel free to toot your horn 
8. When was the last time you were truly enraged? What caused that reaction, and was it deserved?
9. Do you have any addictions or obsessions? Maybe you’re a fangirl or an obsessive shopper?
10. What’s the hardest thing you’ve had to overcome?
11. Picture the worst sexual experience you ever had… now either tell us about it or tell us if it was bad because of inexperience, awkwardness, or a dislike for that individual.
12. If you’ve converted from one religion to another (or left religion all together), was there  a “honeymoon” phase after making that decision? How did you feel for the next few months? Has that feeling changed?
13. What traits would someone have who was the opposite of you?
14. How would you feel if you lived single for the rest of your life?
15. If you could do something without anyone knowing what you did, what would you choose and why?
16. Which has had more impact on your life: your situation/environment or your choices? Why do you think so?
17. Start a blog entry with “I wish I could see…”
18. What are the top 5 causes your support and why?
19. List some things your parents taught you that you’re trying to unlearn.
20. Do you think dark periods of life provide the best opportunities to learn? Why or why not?
21. Describe some of the things that make you odd or quirky
22. List the top 3 reasons you make a great friend. What about 3 reasons you’re a poor friend?
23. What trip have you taken that changed your outlook on the world? What did you see?
24. How does your belief system impact the people around you?
25. Are you more of a giver or a taker? What does that mean to you? Is one of them always positive or negative?
26. What “10 Commandments” do you follow in your life?
27. When someone else cries, what do you do? Are you a problem-solver? Do you cry with them? Do you tell them to suck it up?
28. Which fundamental aspects of your personality have remained unchanged since you were a child?
29. What is your main goal at this moment? What is the consequence if you do not achieve it?
30. Are you afraid of being personal on the internet? What are the consequences for, say, answering these questions in public?
31. How would you define a life lived well?
32. How do you feel about receiving a gift of charity or aid from someone else? Has this ever happened to you?
33. How many phobias do you have? What do you fear most? Anything atypical?

this is really just for myself and my future reference, incase I need a good "OH MY GOD MY BAND IS GROWING UP" cry.

me: "you haven't lost our wedding ring yet, riiight?"
S: "of course not! i don't take it off unless I'm drawing. :3"

CRYING WITH HAPPY

i just want to cry. when did we become so distant?
im tired of being worried about this. i want. to. cry.
i just miss you. im sorry if i hurt your feelings or got "clingy".
i just. fuck.
i love you. come back.

lolol reading this all just makes me feel like shit just come up front and tell me id rather you be blunt than hide it

i auditioned for the film today. im starting to feel like I'm getting my life onto its path and not just dreaming anymore. I got my keyboard back today and connected with my family at dinner. I've lost touch with S, but it is hurting less and less every day, which I guess is good. I convinced my grandfather to buy me a bike rack for my car too. I'm feeling pretty good and confident today.

i was doing so well until i saw your faaaaace.

you were in my dream last night.

We went to Russia on school trips, and we organized to be in the same bunk. For some reason we had an extra girl who didn't have a bed, so we decided to share the twin bed that was yours. We snuggled and talked and had the best time of our lives, knowing we would soon be seperated again and you would go to another country while i went back to our home country. we went skinny dipping, we watched stars. we had so much fun. i brought the presents i bought for you and gave them to you under the moonlight and we both cried as you kissed me for the first time. we went camping one night - just the two of us and did whatever we wanted to. We went to the group sessions and you held my hand every day, kissed me every day at least once. You told me you loved me. You told me we'd be married one day and flew back home together. 

It was the happiest dream I've ever had.

im scared.

you know what it feels like, S? It feels like giant neon sign that reads nothing but: 

how does a simple text message asking how your= day is going turn into this kind of an argument?

why did you have to ask me why I thought you were beautiful?  I can't even be flirty anymore without having someone take it the wrong way.

All I said was: "I dunno, I mean (cue my romanticism) if I were to make an ideal person, it would be you. but closer to me, I guess. I have just never found a flaw."         

S:I have so many flaws all over the place

M: even if you do ive seen them and i love them."

Know what that REALLY did to me? KILLED ME.

my hart is broken and i can't help  it. But whatever makes yourself feel better right? 

I told you I loved you. But you're stil fucking Elena when you know I did. You said you felt the same. You're hurting me, Sara. I can see it all  over your face. But does that change anything? Hell no. I love you for who I know. I am willing to learn more about you. I want you to love me too. More than anything in the world i want you to be happy. I love you, god damnit!

do you know how long it has been since i was happy? I was happy with B for a while and then I felt smothered. I didn't like having a title and I realized just what was happening - I was covering up. But now that I'm technically single, I couldn't be happier. i love it. I have confidence and more spunk and sass than usual. I don't care who sees me out in public or who has an opinion of me. Fuck them. I'm beautiful and I don't give a fuck who thinks differently. because you know what? The one person whose opinion I care about believes I can do anything. I just needed a little push.

hey. look what im buying for us.

i never write here because i don't see a point. my life is going pretty swimmingly except for yesterday during the day.
i talked to S about everything that was happening in my head and she was telling me that although she feels the same way, nothing can happen. Nothing can fix it. Nothing that I can think of.
UGH. HATE.
I did however find our rings today for 15 dollars. That I AM excited about.
here, have one of the songs i'm covering for a special someones present.

my facebook now makes me look like an alcoholic.
this wouldn't bother me as much if i was really drunk in those pictures.

This is Sarah.

This is my best friend, in case any of you were wondering.

I was lucky enough to meet such a wonderful girl in April of this year and I have never been so happy to be in the back of a line for a MCR show. Shes a fabulous girl, so strong and so independent. She leaves me for Finland in August and I am working all summer to buy her something wonderful to remember me by as she leaves. 

She is absolutely beautiful and intelligent. She is taking fucking summer classes to skip her Junior Year to pursue her art. She has absolute balls and guys and all the shit that I don't have. We're astrologically compatible, and above all that, just... compatible. 

I will be so lucky if I get to ever see her again. She and I have planned college together and life after school together. Shes my wife and I plan to keep it that way.

You're amazing Sarah Thornton. Any time you need me, I'm just a text or phone call away. I love you, wifey.

on a semi-happier note, this song makes me feel better.

and it yaknow, symbolizes my life really hard right now.

mini-rant.

so as I'm creeping blogs of my best friends, they all say the same thing about cheating.
"I can't imagine forgiving someone who cheated on me." && everyone else says that.

yet everyone who asks me why I hate that one certain ex in my life always says "get over it, that isn't a valid reason to hate him so much."
Bullshit. He cheated on me and ruined my friendship with my best friend and it never got repaired. He came close to molesting me damnit, and I have never fully healed. Shit. Get over yourselves.
ugh. some people.

btw - this isn't aimed at Jared or Kyle who have answered those questions on their daily challenges. it just sparked a fire under my ass. (:

we've been having problems and they're all my fault and I'm sorry. I feel so bad for bringing things up. I hide everything with humor and ugh. I am so sorry, my god. you're going to hate me forever and by the time this is over i'll be so upset and hurt. you're going to leave me. ugh. i feel so bad. im sorry. im sorry im sorry im sorry. i love you so much and i hate that i did this.

i can't even think a coherent thought.

about seventy things in one.

how am i supposed to love you when I cannot love myself and my heart has belonged to someone else for so long? When the only people I have ever loved are the ones who raised me and don't know I exist? How am I supposed to let go when they can tell when something is wrong instantly? when the first thing that S says to me is "have you slept lately?" because they know just instantly that something isn't right.

I am not ready for the end of my sophomore year. I just started enjoying it again and it is ending right before my eyes. I will not be graduating, but I will be leaving my family behind in the band room. I cannot be with them anymore and it breaks my heart. How in the hell am I going to have friends who understand me and listen to me when I am not in band with them anymore? I am not looking forward to being alone again.

I love languages and foreign tongues. I want to speak to you in so many languages to express everything, but I  just cant. one, I can't tell you how I am feeling. Not even in a language. I don't understand what is going on inside my head. Besides, if I tell you in another language, you will never know. It's like I can tell you secrets and you will never know I just told you my heart.

"He looked at me and he said "Have you ever thought about writing music?" I said, "well when I was young I would write strange things on my mickey mouse staff paper and I've written poetry, but I've never written a song." He said "I think you should write a song. I think you would be good at writing songs." And I said, "Okay." Just a few weeks later I was in the car with my mom and dad on the way home from visiting my grandma, and I had headphones on and I was singing my pants off in th car. My dad said "Hey kid, you're not on stage yet." And I burst into tears and I started screaming. My mother was like "What is wrong with you?" My father dropped us off while he went to park the car in the garage about ten blocks away and by the time he had walked back, I had written my first song."

even though i was so caught up all over you not even a week ago, i am so glad my inkling came back for Poison. I've never been happier to have someone to call my own.
i'm gonna go bathe and get ready for our second date.

Care-Net

So today we were force-fed the bible by a couple of bitches from care-net. while i understand where they came from, they did it in the completely wrong manner. We were forced to pray and listen to this bitch go on and on about how last year 54 children were aborted in Hancock and Daviess County combined. Together, that is about 100,000 people in those two counties. That isn't an insanely huge number, 54.
now, I personally believe in the right to abort your child. It isn't murder to me. Should every pregnant teenager have an abortion? Absolutely not. But is there a right for a woman, her life, and her body to be able to abort an unborn child? Absolutely. There are risks to pregnancy and if my child is going to have such severe birth defects that i cannot help it, will be stillborn, could kill me, was the child of a rape or incest relationship, i would abort the child personally. That is my choice as a woman.
But to have this woman come into my public, governmentally paid for school and give us candy for having fake STDs, give us stickers that say 'Pet Your Dog, Not Your Date', tell us that not even in a steady relationship of five years is it safe to have sex, that everyone in the room including the pastor is going straight to hell, to shove bibles into everyones hands, and pray over us and ask us to join is just wrong.
I go to a public school. I had the right to leave, but I wasn't about to be the weak one. I was going to sit through that stupid motherfucking presentation and scoff.
Seperation of Church and State is in the document that built our country, yet a company like CareNet allows these people to come into my school and force these things down our throats. There was a huge, huge part of me that wanted to stand up and give those people a piece of my mind, but I didn't. I did however say "Geez Care Net, thank you so much for pretty much forcing me to give oral to your bible. I could always consider that premarital sex." to someone I was talking to as we left the gym.
I hate the US Government sometimes.
This is why 'Gays' cant marry.

You are sensitive to a fault. The slightest out-of-earshot whisper or behind-the-back rumor will floor you. You’re a water sign, but unlike the other two—-Cancer and Scorpio—you have no outer shell to protect you. So instead, you swim away. Your defense is to hide, either shutting yourself off in a room or, if that’s not possible, withdrawing mentally into your potent imagination. This is how you write most of your poetry, or paint your most passionate pieces—in a highly-charged, defensive emotional state that’s often triggered by an overheard comment or casual criticism.

Your other defense mechanism is to disappear. You have the uncanny ability to quietly metamorphosize into the walls, becoming unapproachable and therefore reasonably invisible to anyone else in the vicinity.

Both of these reactions, obviously, are dangerously anti-social. If channeled creatively, they can be quite therapeutic, but if not, you need a strong balancing force—either a mate or close friend with a strong foundation, or even therapy.

This state can also lead to an overabuse of drugs or alcohol. You don’t have the constitution, either physically or emotionally, to withstand their affects, and you become addicted easily. You tend to resort to them much too quickly, and the problem just worsens from there.

On a more practical level, you tend to lack self-discipline. Some would say you’re just plain lazy, but it’s more that you’re not interested in mundane facts or routines. You’re so involved in your imaginative world that things like bills and responsibilities are a lesser priority. Here again, you need the balance of a mate who is business-minded and pragmatic.

Finally, you have a hard time making up your mind about anything. You are a wonderful adapter, a chameleon even—if you’re interested in someone who is passionate about, say, gardening, you immediately will learn everything there is to know about gardening, so you can enjoy it with them. Most of the time, though, you’ll find that you’ll soon lose interest and something else will fascinate you. That’s okay, as long as those around you understand and appreciate your free-spirited playfulness. If not, find someone who does.

The Claddagh Ring.

"The Claddagh's distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart, and usually surmounted by a crown. The elements of this symbol are often said to correspond to the qualities of love (the heart), friendship (the hands), and loyalty (the crown).

 

The way that a Claddagh ring is worn on the hand is usually intended to convey the wearer's romantic availability, or lack thereof.

 

Traditionally, if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing outward and away from the body, this indicates that the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship, and may in fact be single and looking for a relationship: "their heart is open."

 

When worn on the right hand but with the heart facing inward toward the body, this indicates the person wearing the ring is in a relationship, or that "someone has captured their heart".

 

A Claddagh worn on the left hand ring finger facing outward away from the body generally indicates that the wearer is engaged.

 

When the ring is on the left hand ring finger and facing inward toward the body, it generally means that the person wearing the ring is married."

I turned my ring over for you today. I know that we aren't anything. I know that we never will be, but the way you make me feel makes me believe that I wont find anyone better. They say there are other fish in the sea - that there is no such thing as a soulmate, only people you are compatible with. I refuse to believe that. I think that you might be the one that is my soulmate, or maybe, if you believe that way, the one I'm compatible with. I just wish that you could see and understand that the same way I do.

I was on the bus this afternoon on the way home from State Concert Festival, and while I should have been happy that we got a distinguished rating, I couldn't help but wonder if you would be proud of me. Every song on my iPod reminded me of something we had talked about, something that you implied to me, or something you meant to me. Never have I been this so... deep. 

I question everything now. I overanalyze everything. Maybe it's me growing up, maybe it's be going over my head in thoughts and wondering, hoping for the best. I even wrote a song for you. I'll never share it - I'll never finish it. I've learned songs for you. I know the things we have in common - art and music. you have the IQ of a genius, and you're becoming an artist. You play those shitty guitars in a way that makes me melt. 

Maybe it's because we're so similar and yet so different. But whatever it is, I wish you could see it the way I do.

I hope you and her the best. She isn't me - she will never be me. I will never be lucky enough to be in her place. But I am willing to wait. I am willing to sit back and wait it out - hope that you are happy. And I hope to god that you were serious about being my prom date my senior year. I would travel to see you - I'd travel miles. But I can't. I'm lowly and boring and poor. 

but as great as you make me feel - you also deserve the best, and that is what only she can give you. i can't do that. I keep hoping that maybe if I move on, flirt and do terrible things to my body, that I'll get over you. But I think the only way that I can do that... is to tell you straight up and get your reaction. 

I know what I'm hoping for, but I know what I'll get.

I just hope you meant it when you said you and I would still be close in thirty years. 

Rebecca Fuqua today was taking to Taylor Copeland about suicide and then about five minutes after their conversation was over, Rebecca turned around and looked at me and legitimately and honestly asked me if she had offended me. She looked genuinely scared that she had done something wrong and that she had killed my spirit.
Sigh. I need to get out of my head and accept the fact that people just believe I'm a suicidal, dykey lesbian.

Jenna is quite possibly my favorite youtuber.

you get a certain feeling when you find someone whose special to you. and i can't help but get that feeling every single time we talk. and i know it isn't much for someone as small as me to give a shit about someone as magnificent as you, but... somehow, i wish it mattered.

"It's not something I'm just quite ready to tell you yet, Sarah. One day... when I'm not terrified I'll tell you. It could make me feel better... it could kill me. It just depends, yaknow? Anyways. Have a good sleep. I love you."
"I know the feeling, bb. Like I said, you've got me whenever you're ready. Even if its in thirty years. i love you too."

just come to me like now.

"As the record became apparent to me, at the very least I was trying to leave a message in a bottle for my daughter. Instead of making a record about being a new dad, it was more about, like, I want this record to be for her at 15, or whatever. And that’s the notion of where ‘Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back’ came from. Because it’s a song that I want her to look back on, and if anything ever were too happen… her to know that her dad and her uncles are like these guys who were actually, um, not necessarily always cupcakes."

tonight was brilliant.

even though we are all going to get in trouble for being out too late, it was so much fun.
kyle and jared have so quickly become my best friends that it is crazy. i love them. they're fabulous people and I can tell them anything and not feel the tiniest bit weird or awkward.

my original blog post plan for tonight was going to be these adorable pieces from The Dove Keeper. Then... I stumbled upon StoryCorps.

I need to grow some balls.

There is no woman in the world who inspires me more that Lindsey Ballato. I chose to call her by her maiden name for a lot of reasons, but mostly because if i call her Lindsey Ballato-Way then people just assume I adore her because shes my hero's wife. It isn't like that.

This bitch is strong. She isn't afraid to admit that she's mildly gross all the time, does some fucked up things, and isn't perfect. I love it. I want to be able to admit that I'm not perfect. That I'm pretty fucked up, and admit all of my flaws. I'm just not there yet.

She says some amazing things and taught me that I don't need to give a flying fuck what I look like to anyone else and that I can be whoever I want to be - just like her husband. Does that change anything? Hell no. Does it make me like her more because of her husband? Hell no.

I regret the fact that I didn't go to that signing in 2007 almost every day now. I was too busy waiting for her (then boyfriends) band. I missed a great chance. I might have been a little different now. I might have more balls.

After talking to Mr. Benningfield yesterday, I need to sack up and get over myself. I need to get rid of these petty fears that are holding me back (and there are a lot of them). I need to just.... grow up. Mature a little faster. But what hit me the hardest? The fact that he told me that I was growing up too fast. Thrusting myself out there too fast. 

Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm trying to be an adult too fast. But at the same time - do I want to be a kid anymore? I already have to solve more adult problems every fucking day at home, and maybe life is moving a little faster than my age will take me. Does this piss me off? No. Should it? Probably. 

I'm still going to Theater Arts Academy. I'm going to miss my friends, and i might be miserable. I might regret my decision. But right now - I think this is better for me. When I walked into that sound room and saw what I could do with those lights, I am not kidding you, I cried. I had to pull over on the side of the road and cry to avoid having a wreck. I think that I belong there.

Maybe I'll just listen to Lindsey Ballato and pursue my dreams. Give it a shot.

my wife is going to play me songs. i love her. oh my god. <3

angry.

i love the fact that i am so easily replaced around here. i fucking tell you everything that i don't tell anyone else, and you don't have the time to talk to me, tell me the truth, or hang out with me anywhere. you yell at me all the time and it does't help when you pretend nothing happened.
i've invited you over every day for the last three weekends.
you're always busy.
then i always find out you were with someone else.
honesty is always the best policy, right?
what the fuck ever. i'm so sick of everything.
brb, sleeping forever.

“Sometimes you get depressed, things are depressing. Sometimes you get desperate. But there’s a lot of people you can talk to. You can find a teacher, best friend, parent, therapist, anybody, a guy working at the Dunkin’ Donuts, I really don’t care. But one thing you guys never, ever do, and I’m sure you all know this but I’ll say it anyway: You never resort to violence.” -Gerard Way

Gerard Way - the only father figure I've ever had.

i'm not a cynic - i just play one on t.v.

i'm a romantic. a completely hopeless romantic - but until i find some kind of hope and love towards myself or to me in general, i guess I'm be putting on my bitch face every morning and being a complete and total cynic.

i can't decide if i feel better or worse about myself after tonight.

but i know that i am really fucking glad that i talked to jared and kyle about everything. i feel a little more at home. they're fabulous people.

I AM A WHORE FOR CARS.

gimme a boy with tattoos and a kick ass ride and he is ALL MINE FOREVER.

Tabbie Dee makes me feel better. I mean, I don't know why she loves me so much, but it is more than  welcome. She does speak the truth though - I try my best to not take any shit from anyone and I don't fake myself. (I don't call my secrets 'faking myself' like some people say) and yeah. I love Tabbie. <3

these two help me get up a little easier in the mornings. 

i hope one day i find someone to love me at least a quarter as much as they do.

i had a completely lovely conversation with my lovely this afternoon.
"so don't fake it. let yourself be who you are. and then you'll find true happiness. because when you fake it, it closes doors to true happiness. just be you."
"people tease you because they're jealous, and afraid of change. don't be afraid of who you are. the people you tease you now are the ones who will be stuck in pathetic lives. keep your head high and spit in the face of any motherfucker who says anything to you."
"you don't have to be scared. there is nothing this world can do that can touch you."
"you have the capability to do anything, anything at all. you can make it for two years, and then you'll be free to be you, and do what you want."
"you have me, you have your music and hopes and dreams. you have everything to live for."
"i'm tougher now, i know how to stand up for myself, how to throw a punch, and how to protect the people i love. the shit we go through only makes us stronger."

my lovely tells me the most wonderful things. i don't know where i'd be without her. maybe i'll start tomorrow a little better - a little bit happier. maybe wearing some of my concert outfit will make me feel better. i hope so.


THIS WAS WRITTEN YESTERDAY AND JUST NOW GOT POSTED BECAUSE OF STORMS. OKAY.

the only straight i am is a straight up bitch.

i'm so tired of this damn weather. i haven't slept properly in i don't know how long.

I just bought The Dove Keeper in paperback online.

I've never been more excited for a book to come in the mail. AHHH <3

pills. so many pills. i've taken so many pills today.

pain pills, allergy pills, sleep aid pills. pills. 

i love when pills make me feel better. 

maybe i could be a pharmaceutical tech and sell pills to people who need them and will let pills help them.

like they do me. i like medicine. it makes me feel better. 

espcially with so many crampy days lately. 

this is my 200th post.

i believe this image describes me perfectly. alright.

is this song supposed to make me cry? because it does. even in the crowd on wednesday. i miss you so much.

as long as the room keeps singing, that's just the business I'm in.

we went to the liquor store yesterday to cash lottery tickets and kids from my schools asked my mom to buy them a pint of whiskey. it was awkward.
and then i got hit on by a sixty year old man. he called me baby and darling. it was disgusting. i always get hit on my older men. the guy at the liquor store, the car of mexicans in Washington D.C., the guy who worked at rallys.  ugh.
fg;kjxfbga;fgiminlfdjgbafglikewldfjgbiwithslgafaFDGDwdomsgandont you get it?

"I lay down on my bed instead, the guitar to my side, neck of the instrument just touching my own, the spokes that stuck out hitting my shoulders. My mind wandered as I laid there, over to the paints and pastels that I had seen at his place. I relived the vivid images in my mind over and over again and was still blown away every time. The amount of creativity, imagination and feeling that were on those walls astounded me. I couldn’t believe that he could just let himself bleed through a paint brush and have it spattered all over the wall for everyone to see. I could never do that; the painting or sharing my emotions in such a complex way. I was too scared to just crack myself open and let everyone go inside. I couldn’t do it for myself. I didn’t want to pick apart my feelings, taking what I loved or destroying what I hated and put them on paper. The fact that people would see it scared the shit out of me. And if I had done the work, carefully picking those feelings, it would be as if I wanted them to see that side of me. When really, I didn’t. Those poems or ranting or drivel as he was saying that I wrote – that was only for me. I didn’t write or do anything, to please other people. I didn’t even do it to please myself. The thought of anyone reading that shit scared the crap out of me. I had never been one to be afraid of much in my life, coming from Jersey you learn to suppress fear, but God. That was like my worse nightmare right there. I didn’t want people to know how I was thinking. How come they would be allowed, if I didn’t even know half the time?"

i was doing so well. i was doing so well until you showed up.
now i can't ever stop fucking crying and i don't even understand.
every fucking song is about you. every time i think its about you and i'm crazy.
im just fucking crazy.
every mcr song fucking reminds me of you.
this hasn't happened in so long and i need it to stop. i hate crushes. i hate them. they make me feel weird.
im destined to be alone forever ugh.

i miss it all so much. i've had three breakdowns today and i can't fucking tell anyone about any of it because i'm to fucking scared. what am i scared of, anyways? I always said that I would just be real with everyone and anyone who asked about it, but I just can't. I can't stop thinking about it and I miss it and my blanket smells like you. fuck it all, i'm going to see you this summer if i have to get a job or it kills me. i can't do it. you're so much better than everything here and i can't be here anymore.

yep.

i love my life.

"do that again, guys! i love the way you fuckers pick each other up. you guys are why i still do this everyday."

I'm so lucky.
I'm so lucky to have the thing that makes me happy. I'm especially lucky to have four men that love me so much. That show tonight was absolutely amazing. I don't even know how to put it into words. The gratification of seeing the hero you've looked up to for so many years, look right at you smile and point was the best thing in the world.
Anyone around me gets the fake happy megan all the time, but i think i can be real again. real after 4 years of masking.
Walking up to that crowd of kids where even /I/ didn't notice that one of our own MCRmy Chicago kids was a serious burn victim was surprising. The fact that as soon as I walked in... it was like seeing friends I haven't seen in years. Knowing that every single person in the room with me was saved or helped by these men in front of me. These men that changed me forever and we all had a similar interest - the four men we love.
I led in a troop of 10 kids that had never seen an MCR show before. It was the roughest crowd I've ever delt with, but not because we hated each other like usual, we all wanted to be close and to be ourselves.
MCRmy kids all have two things in common - the love of MCR, and the fact that no one there is sane. No one. No one is normal. No one is plain. No one has been the priveliged kid. No one is higher up than the others. No on is an elitist. No one is a snob. No one is there to put you down.
I never had to buy food or drinks - everyone brought food and shared. My Sunny D was a huge hit in the rainstorm.
There were cookies, cakes, ice creams, pizzas, potatoes, everything. Only thing we didn't have was a toilet.
It was cold, it was rainy, it was windy. the weather sucked. but i made so many new friends. i feel so much better.
i was saved 5 times by kids that don't even know my name. i found my family and i'm not fuckin' letting go.
i love you, chicago mcrmy. and trisha, jackie, sarah, abby, mitchell, and tarah.

and so it begins.

tonight is the night of no sleep. i'm leaving for chicago tomorrow after school at four and i have to paint this flag and sew together my vest and then paint ANOTHER FREAKING SPIDER on the back of it. god damnit.
i'm not going to have any sleep tonight.
but at this point, i don't care. I'M SEEING MY HEROES TOMORROW, BITCHES.

my mother will NOT ruin this for me.
i feel like one of those kids whos parents ignore them all the time. I haven't had a meal prepared since tuesday of last week. i've been living on rice packets and ramen noodles and guess what?
those are almost gone.
I hate living here. I can't stand it for two more years. I just can't do it.

i'm in a suicide death cult.

this is where i will be all weekend.

right on the magnificent mile. 

im more excited than i could ever, ever say with words. 

just imagine me flailing around in a mask and killjoy outfit. okay.

i have few real loves in my life.

but this week has made me feel awesome. i got to see Kaeley all weekend, Victoria stayed a night, I got to make my outfit, I got to see Harley and the Chapmans. I got to hang out with Kyle, Jacob, and Jared. It was a nice week. I'm all caught up on sleep and I feel /finally/ refreshed. There's only two more months until schools out for summer, and I don't have any plans other than concerts out the ass. 

I'm going to Chicago on Thursday afternoon and staying until Saturday. I get to be in town for Record Store Day and I'm psyched for that too. But not nearly as much as I am excited for this:

four days. i can survive four days. i hope.

don't let me down, boys. i've spent more than four hundred dollars on this already. do not let me down.

hell - i know they won't. i know it will be awesome.

maybe i'll be happier when i get home from staying in a hotel all weekend in chicago where my heart resides with my best friend and my parents, living another weekend without them home.

this is my hero on his 34th birthday.

i love him more than anything.

imagine if he didn't pick up the phone so many years ago. if his manager wasn't on the other side to answer at three am. what would have happened? would i be going to a shallow grave site in belleville, new jersey with other teenagers that were impacted with his music after he left? there wouldn't have been a television broadcast of his funeral. there wouldn't have been closure for the fans that would have been made after his death. the cocaine and booze would have taken him under. there would have been hundreds of thousands of kids whose lives would have been taken at their own hands. i wouldn't be here, for sure.
i think that i have the right to be worried every day if i will wake up and find out that there was a divorce filed, that there was a plane crash, that the shows were cancelled, that a child was sick. people have different priorities and mine is this man and his best friends that make me live each day with my finger in the air, because i don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks because of them. because of them i am not afraid to keep on living, i am not afraid to be myself.

thank you for living past those dark nights - one of them being in my home state where they thought they would never get you out from underneath the stage to take you 'home' or to talk to brian. thank you for getting clean, and continuing. not just for us the fans - but for your growing family and for yourself.
i'm so glad you're happy now.
happy 34th birthday.

happy birthday to one of the four loves of my life.

I'll see you in 7 days. 

kyle jackson.

i'm so proud of you it's insane.
sometimes i wish that i had that kind of strength.

“I realised that if anything were to ever happen to me, I would want my daughter to know that her dad and his band were not victims."

I've always said I will never have children. That they are just a bother. But lately, I've been feeling this need to protect everyone around me. I need to grow up and finish college so I can find someone to love forever and have a baby girl to take care of. I think that is what I want from my life now. My animals were working for a while of something to take care of, but they grow up really fast and don't need protecting anymore. Plus, imagine someone as musical and creative as myself with children in a big city. Fuck, they'd be awesome kids.
I can't wait to be 25 or 30.

lets all just face it.

This is my biggest fear.

I'll never fall in love and I'll never be truley happy.

there are still days where i miss you. those days aren't very often, but this song still makes me heart skip a beat every once in a while. this song will always mean everything to me. i loved you.

GUESS WHATS COMING IN THE MAIL SOON?

MY KILLJOY JACKETS
HELL TO THE YEAH

it still comes in waves.

i feel so guilty about missing her, but there are days when I just can't help it.

i almost cried in glee club today. we started singing 'If I Die Young' by The Band Perry, and I couldn't do it. They played that song at Jacey's visitation. I still miss her so much. I need a grave to visit. I can't. Just. Ugh. I have no closure.

i hate being home.

most kids don't like going home because of one reason or another. They have to clean, babysit, do homework, they're grounded, etc. Me? My mother ruins my day.
I come home and sleep because at night, she screams and yells so much that it makes me mind race.It makes me wonder what I did wrong to make her tell me that she wants to be disappear, that she wants to kill herself every day.
I don't remember the last time my mother and I went a night without arguing. She never apologizes. I'm always the one that says I'm sorry for anything that happened, which makes he more angry. I can't breathe in my house without making a contrary move that changes the entire day.
She yells about what time it is when I get up in the morning. She yells about why the bus isn't there at the exact same time every day. She yells about the weather. Then when I get home she threatens to kill herself of me because the cat pushed over the food bowl. She threatens not to feed me anymore. she threatens not to buy food.

I just don't understand how some kids biggest problem is that they have homework that night, when mine has to be

• am i going to have pants to wear tomorrow?
• am i going to get any sleep?
• am i going to have a ride home from school?
• is my mother going to cook dinner?
• do we have enough money to pay the cell phone bill?
• is the electricity going to get shut off?
• Is my moms car going to make it home?
• my mom even going to come home?

I wish I had a day when my biggest worry was whether or not I needed to watch my sibling when I got home.

thank you. so much. for giving me the inspiration to pick up my instruments and /give a fuck/ again.

for inspiring your husband to make music again that inspires me to live everyday.

thank you for being you and telling me that someone as amazing as you can come from somewhere as small as here.

we don't love them enough.

I have serious irrational fears about the My Chemical Romance boys. I know I talk about it a lot, but I'm uch a die hard fan that it doesn't matter to me. Don't like? Don't read.

In the past two months alone, I have spend over 500 dollars on this band. Does that justify my love? No.
I've only attended one show. Do I love them any less than someone who has seen them 7 times? No.
I've been a fan for 7-8 years. Does that make me a bigger fan? No.

I genuinely love these men more than anything else that is in my life right now, or anything else ever before. There is nothing else that brings me more joy than to have their merch show up at my door step, or to buy tickets for the show, or to create and design my outfit for Methane Detonator.

Nothing ever before has made me this happy, and made me want to by myself. They make me want to grow up, be realistic, and be who I want to be.

Oh yeah. And they make me want to wear a lot of leather and such.

And have kids as cute as theirs. I mean really, look at Cherry & Lily & Bandit and tell me that they aren't the cutest motherfuckers ever.

movies i need to watch: a list.

1. Big Fish
2. Batteries Not Included
3. The Crow
4. Field of Dreams
5. Night of 1000 Corpses
6. Shawn of the Dead'
7. Donnie Darko
8. A Clockwork Orange
9. a shitload more.

everyone has the moment.

Those moments where you feel alive for once. Where you are real. Where you can feel everthing around you. When you know that everything is going to be okay - it can only go uphill from here. You're going to be fine. Everything is great. You become creative again, and working on new projects isn't so far away. Everything just has a light. There is a beauty in lying your fingers on those guitar strings again, or pressing those buttons that you had forgotten to love. Everything feels just.... good. For me, it's at a concert venue or in a theater or in an art studio or behind a video camera. Being put in front of aspects of my life that I can control, that I can help create makes everything float away. Nothing else matters to you than that little thing that makes your life complete. The chills of the air that passes through your bones is gone - you're happy. Finally. Happy again. You're on cloud nine and theres nothing but ocean water below you.

I wish I was there again.