I need to grow some balls.

There is no woman in the world who inspires me more that Lindsey Ballato. I chose to call her by her maiden name for a lot of reasons, but mostly because if i call her Lindsey Ballato-Way then people just assume I adore her because shes my hero's wife. It isn't like that.

This bitch is strong. She isn't afraid to admit that she's mildly gross all the time, does some fucked up things, and isn't perfect. I love it. I want to be able to admit that I'm not perfect. That I'm pretty fucked up, and admit all of my flaws. I'm just not there yet.

She says some amazing things and taught me that I don't need to give a flying fuck what I look like to anyone else and that I can be whoever I want to be - just like her husband. Does that change anything? Hell no. Does it make me like her more because of her husband? Hell no.

I regret the fact that I didn't go to that signing in 2007 almost every day now. I was too busy waiting for her (then boyfriends) band. I missed a great chance. I might have been a little different now. I might have more balls.

After talking to Mr. Benningfield yesterday, I need to sack up and get over myself. I need to get rid of these petty fears that are holding me back (and there are a lot of them). I need to just.... grow up. Mature a little faster. But what hit me the hardest? The fact that he told me that I was growing up too fast. Thrusting myself out there too fast. 

Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm trying to be an adult too fast. But at the same time - do I want to be a kid anymore? I already have to solve more adult problems every fucking day at home, and maybe life is moving a little faster than my age will take me. Does this piss me off? No. Should it? Probably. 

I'm still going to Theater Arts Academy. I'm going to miss my friends, and i might be miserable. I might regret my decision. But right now - I think this is better for me. When I walked into that sound room and saw what I could do with those lights, I am not kidding you, I cried. I had to pull over on the side of the road and cry to avoid having a wreck. I think that I belong there.

Maybe I'll just listen to Lindsey Ballato and pursue my dreams. Give it a shot.