i'm not a cynic - i just play one on t.v.

i'm a romantic. a completely hopeless romantic - but until i find some kind of hope and love towards myself or to me in general, i guess I'm be putting on my bitch face every morning and being a complete and total cynic.

i can't decide if i feel better or worse about myself after tonight.

but i know that i am really fucking glad that i talked to jared and kyle about everything. i feel a little more at home. they're fabulous people.

I AM A WHORE FOR CARS.

gimme a boy with tattoos and a kick ass ride and he is ALL MINE FOREVER.

Tabbie Dee makes me feel better. I mean, I don't know why she loves me so much, but it is more than  welcome. She does speak the truth though - I try my best to not take any shit from anyone and I don't fake myself. (I don't call my secrets 'faking myself' like some people say) and yeah. I love Tabbie. <3

these two help me get up a little easier in the mornings. 

i hope one day i find someone to love me at least a quarter as much as they do.

i had a completely lovely conversation with my lovely this afternoon.
"so don't fake it. let yourself be who you are. and then you'll find true happiness. because when you fake it, it closes doors to true happiness. just be you."
"people tease you because they're jealous, and afraid of change. don't be afraid of who you are. the people you tease you now are the ones who will be stuck in pathetic lives. keep your head high and spit in the face of any motherfucker who says anything to you."
"you don't have to be scared. there is nothing this world can do that can touch you."
"you have the capability to do anything, anything at all. you can make it for two years, and then you'll be free to be you, and do what you want."
"you have me, you have your music and hopes and dreams. you have everything to live for."
"i'm tougher now, i know how to stand up for myself, how to throw a punch, and how to protect the people i love. the shit we go through only makes us stronger."

my lovely tells me the most wonderful things. i don't know where i'd be without her. maybe i'll start tomorrow a little better - a little bit happier. maybe wearing some of my concert outfit will make me feel better. i hope so.


THIS WAS WRITTEN YESTERDAY AND JUST NOW GOT POSTED BECAUSE OF STORMS. OKAY.

the only straight i am is a straight up bitch.

i'm so tired of this damn weather. i haven't slept properly in i don't know how long.

I just bought The Dove Keeper in paperback online.

I've never been more excited for a book to come in the mail. AHHH <3

pills. so many pills. i've taken so many pills today.

pain pills, allergy pills, sleep aid pills. pills. 

i love when pills make me feel better. 

maybe i could be a pharmaceutical tech and sell pills to people who need them and will let pills help them.

like they do me. i like medicine. it makes me feel better. 

espcially with so many crampy days lately. 

this is my 200th post.

i believe this image describes me perfectly. alright.

is this song supposed to make me cry? because it does. even in the crowd on wednesday. i miss you so much.

as long as the room keeps singing, that's just the business I'm in.

we went to the liquor store yesterday to cash lottery tickets and kids from my schools asked my mom to buy them a pint of whiskey. it was awkward.
and then i got hit on by a sixty year old man. he called me baby and darling. it was disgusting. i always get hit on my older men. the guy at the liquor store, the car of mexicans in Washington D.C., the guy who worked at rallys.  ugh.
fg;kjxfbga;fgiminlfdjgbafglikewldfjgbiwithslgafaFDGDwdomsgandont you get it?

"I lay down on my bed instead, the guitar to my side, neck of the instrument just touching my own, the spokes that stuck out hitting my shoulders. My mind wandered as I laid there, over to the paints and pastels that I had seen at his place. I relived the vivid images in my mind over and over again and was still blown away every time. The amount of creativity, imagination and feeling that were on those walls astounded me. I couldn’t believe that he could just let himself bleed through a paint brush and have it spattered all over the wall for everyone to see. I could never do that; the painting or sharing my emotions in such a complex way. I was too scared to just crack myself open and let everyone go inside. I couldn’t do it for myself. I didn’t want to pick apart my feelings, taking what I loved or destroying what I hated and put them on paper. The fact that people would see it scared the shit out of me. And if I had done the work, carefully picking those feelings, it would be as if I wanted them to see that side of me. When really, I didn’t. Those poems or ranting or drivel as he was saying that I wrote – that was only for me. I didn’t write or do anything, to please other people. I didn’t even do it to please myself. The thought of anyone reading that shit scared the crap out of me. I had never been one to be afraid of much in my life, coming from Jersey you learn to suppress fear, but God. That was like my worse nightmare right there. I didn’t want people to know how I was thinking. How come they would be allowed, if I didn’t even know half the time?"

i was doing so well. i was doing so well until you showed up.
now i can't ever stop fucking crying and i don't even understand.
every fucking song is about you. every time i think its about you and i'm crazy.
im just fucking crazy.
every mcr song fucking reminds me of you.
this hasn't happened in so long and i need it to stop. i hate crushes. i hate them. they make me feel weird.
im destined to be alone forever ugh.

i miss it all so much. i've had three breakdowns today and i can't fucking tell anyone about any of it because i'm to fucking scared. what am i scared of, anyways? I always said that I would just be real with everyone and anyone who asked about it, but I just can't. I can't stop thinking about it and I miss it and my blanket smells like you. fuck it all, i'm going to see you this summer if i have to get a job or it kills me. i can't do it. you're so much better than everything here and i can't be here anymore.

yep.

i love my life.

"do that again, guys! i love the way you fuckers pick each other up. you guys are why i still do this everyday."

I'm so lucky.
I'm so lucky to have the thing that makes me happy. I'm especially lucky to have four men that love me so much. That show tonight was absolutely amazing. I don't even know how to put it into words. The gratification of seeing the hero you've looked up to for so many years, look right at you smile and point was the best thing in the world.
Anyone around me gets the fake happy megan all the time, but i think i can be real again. real after 4 years of masking.
Walking up to that crowd of kids where even /I/ didn't notice that one of our own MCRmy Chicago kids was a serious burn victim was surprising. The fact that as soon as I walked in... it was like seeing friends I haven't seen in years. Knowing that every single person in the room with me was saved or helped by these men in front of me. These men that changed me forever and we all had a similar interest - the four men we love.
I led in a troop of 10 kids that had never seen an MCR show before. It was the roughest crowd I've ever delt with, but not because we hated each other like usual, we all wanted to be close and to be ourselves.
MCRmy kids all have two things in common - the love of MCR, and the fact that no one there is sane. No one. No one is normal. No one is plain. No one has been the priveliged kid. No one is higher up than the others. No on is an elitist. No one is a snob. No one is there to put you down.
I never had to buy food or drinks - everyone brought food and shared. My Sunny D was a huge hit in the rainstorm.
There were cookies, cakes, ice creams, pizzas, potatoes, everything. Only thing we didn't have was a toilet.
It was cold, it was rainy, it was windy. the weather sucked. but i made so many new friends. i feel so much better.
i was saved 5 times by kids that don't even know my name. i found my family and i'm not fuckin' letting go.
i love you, chicago mcrmy. and trisha, jackie, sarah, abby, mitchell, and tarah.

and so it begins.

tonight is the night of no sleep. i'm leaving for chicago tomorrow after school at four and i have to paint this flag and sew together my vest and then paint ANOTHER FREAKING SPIDER on the back of it. god damnit.
i'm not going to have any sleep tonight.
but at this point, i don't care. I'M SEEING MY HEROES TOMORROW, BITCHES.

my mother will NOT ruin this for me.
i feel like one of those kids whos parents ignore them all the time. I haven't had a meal prepared since tuesday of last week. i've been living on rice packets and ramen noodles and guess what?
those are almost gone.
I hate living here. I can't stand it for two more years. I just can't do it.

i'm in a suicide death cult.

this is where i will be all weekend.

right on the magnificent mile. 

im more excited than i could ever, ever say with words. 

just imagine me flailing around in a mask and killjoy outfit. okay.

i have few real loves in my life.

but this week has made me feel awesome. i got to see Kaeley all weekend, Victoria stayed a night, I got to make my outfit, I got to see Harley and the Chapmans. I got to hang out with Kyle, Jacob, and Jared. It was a nice week. I'm all caught up on sleep and I feel /finally/ refreshed. There's only two more months until schools out for summer, and I don't have any plans other than concerts out the ass. 

I'm going to Chicago on Thursday afternoon and staying until Saturday. I get to be in town for Record Store Day and I'm psyched for that too. But not nearly as much as I am excited for this:

four days. i can survive four days. i hope.

don't let me down, boys. i've spent more than four hundred dollars on this already. do not let me down.

hell - i know they won't. i know it will be awesome.

maybe i'll be happier when i get home from staying in a hotel all weekend in chicago where my heart resides with my best friend and my parents, living another weekend without them home.

this is my hero on his 34th birthday.

i love him more than anything.

imagine if he didn't pick up the phone so many years ago. if his manager wasn't on the other side to answer at three am. what would have happened? would i be going to a shallow grave site in belleville, new jersey with other teenagers that were impacted with his music after he left? there wouldn't have been a television broadcast of his funeral. there wouldn't have been closure for the fans that would have been made after his death. the cocaine and booze would have taken him under. there would have been hundreds of thousands of kids whose lives would have been taken at their own hands. i wouldn't be here, for sure.
i think that i have the right to be worried every day if i will wake up and find out that there was a divorce filed, that there was a plane crash, that the shows were cancelled, that a child was sick. people have different priorities and mine is this man and his best friends that make me live each day with my finger in the air, because i don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks because of them. because of them i am not afraid to keep on living, i am not afraid to be myself.

thank you for living past those dark nights - one of them being in my home state where they thought they would never get you out from underneath the stage to take you 'home' or to talk to brian. thank you for getting clean, and continuing. not just for us the fans - but for your growing family and for yourself.
i'm so glad you're happy now.
happy 34th birthday.

happy birthday to one of the four loves of my life.

I'll see you in 7 days. 

kyle jackson.

i'm so proud of you it's insane.
sometimes i wish that i had that kind of strength.

“I realised that if anything were to ever happen to me, I would want my daughter to know that her dad and his band were not victims."

I've always said I will never have children. That they are just a bother. But lately, I've been feeling this need to protect everyone around me. I need to grow up and finish college so I can find someone to love forever and have a baby girl to take care of. I think that is what I want from my life now. My animals were working for a while of something to take care of, but they grow up really fast and don't need protecting anymore. Plus, imagine someone as musical and creative as myself with children in a big city. Fuck, they'd be awesome kids.
I can't wait to be 25 or 30.

lets all just face it.

This is my biggest fear.

I'll never fall in love and I'll never be truley happy.

there are still days where i miss you. those days aren't very often, but this song still makes me heart skip a beat every once in a while. this song will always mean everything to me. i loved you.

GUESS WHATS COMING IN THE MAIL SOON?

MY KILLJOY JACKETS
HELL TO THE YEAH

it still comes in waves.

i feel so guilty about missing her, but there are days when I just can't help it.