This is Sarah.

This is my best friend, in case any of you were wondering.

I was lucky enough to meet such a wonderful girl in April of this year and I have never been so happy to be in the back of a line for a MCR show. Shes a fabulous girl, so strong and so independent. She leaves me for Finland in August and I am working all summer to buy her something wonderful to remember me by as she leaves. 

She is absolutely beautiful and intelligent. She is taking fucking summer classes to skip her Junior Year to pursue her art. She has absolute balls and guys and all the shit that I don't have. We're astrologically compatible, and above all that, just... compatible. 

I will be so lucky if I get to ever see her again. She and I have planned college together and life after school together. Shes my wife and I plan to keep it that way.

You're amazing Sarah Thornton. Any time you need me, I'm just a text or phone call away. I love you, wifey.

on a semi-happier note, this song makes me feel better.

and it yaknow, symbolizes my life really hard right now.

mini-rant.

so as I'm creeping blogs of my best friends, they all say the same thing about cheating.
"I can't imagine forgiving someone who cheated on me." && everyone else says that.

yet everyone who asks me why I hate that one certain ex in my life always says "get over it, that isn't a valid reason to hate him so much."
Bullshit. He cheated on me and ruined my friendship with my best friend and it never got repaired. He came close to molesting me damnit, and I have never fully healed. Shit. Get over yourselves.
ugh. some people.

btw - this isn't aimed at Jared or Kyle who have answered those questions on their daily challenges. it just sparked a fire under my ass. (:

we've been having problems and they're all my fault and I'm sorry. I feel so bad for bringing things up. I hide everything with humor and ugh. I am so sorry, my god. you're going to hate me forever and by the time this is over i'll be so upset and hurt. you're going to leave me. ugh. i feel so bad. im sorry. im sorry im sorry im sorry. i love you so much and i hate that i did this.

i can't even think a coherent thought.

about seventy things in one.

how am i supposed to love you when I cannot love myself and my heart has belonged to someone else for so long? When the only people I have ever loved are the ones who raised me and don't know I exist? How am I supposed to let go when they can tell when something is wrong instantly? when the first thing that S says to me is "have you slept lately?" because they know just instantly that something isn't right.

I am not ready for the end of my sophomore year. I just started enjoying it again and it is ending right before my eyes. I will not be graduating, but I will be leaving my family behind in the band room. I cannot be with them anymore and it breaks my heart. How in the hell am I going to have friends who understand me and listen to me when I am not in band with them anymore? I am not looking forward to being alone again.

I love languages and foreign tongues. I want to speak to you in so many languages to express everything, but I  just cant. one, I can't tell you how I am feeling. Not even in a language. I don't understand what is going on inside my head. Besides, if I tell you in another language, you will never know. It's like I can tell you secrets and you will never know I just told you my heart.

"He looked at me and he said "Have you ever thought about writing music?" I said, "well when I was young I would write strange things on my mickey mouse staff paper and I've written poetry, but I've never written a song." He said "I think you should write a song. I think you would be good at writing songs." And I said, "Okay." Just a few weeks later I was in the car with my mom and dad on the way home from visiting my grandma, and I had headphones on and I was singing my pants off in th car. My dad said "Hey kid, you're not on stage yet." And I burst into tears and I started screaming. My mother was like "What is wrong with you?" My father dropped us off while he went to park the car in the garage about ten blocks away and by the time he had walked back, I had written my first song."

even though i was so caught up all over you not even a week ago, i am so glad my inkling came back for Poison. I've never been happier to have someone to call my own.
i'm gonna go bathe and get ready for our second date.

Care-Net

So today we were force-fed the bible by a couple of bitches from care-net. while i understand where they came from, they did it in the completely wrong manner. We were forced to pray and listen to this bitch go on and on about how last year 54 children were aborted in Hancock and Daviess County combined. Together, that is about 100,000 people in those two counties. That isn't an insanely huge number, 54.
now, I personally believe in the right to abort your child. It isn't murder to me. Should every pregnant teenager have an abortion? Absolutely not. But is there a right for a woman, her life, and her body to be able to abort an unborn child? Absolutely. There are risks to pregnancy and if my child is going to have such severe birth defects that i cannot help it, will be stillborn, could kill me, was the child of a rape or incest relationship, i would abort the child personally. That is my choice as a woman.
But to have this woman come into my public, governmentally paid for school and give us candy for having fake STDs, give us stickers that say 'Pet Your Dog, Not Your Date', tell us that not even in a steady relationship of five years is it safe to have sex, that everyone in the room including the pastor is going straight to hell, to shove bibles into everyones hands, and pray over us and ask us to join is just wrong.
I go to a public school. I had the right to leave, but I wasn't about to be the weak one. I was going to sit through that stupid motherfucking presentation and scoff.
Seperation of Church and State is in the document that built our country, yet a company like CareNet allows these people to come into my school and force these things down our throats. There was a huge, huge part of me that wanted to stand up and give those people a piece of my mind, but I didn't. I did however say "Geez Care Net, thank you so much for pretty much forcing me to give oral to your bible. I could always consider that premarital sex." to someone I was talking to as we left the gym.
I hate the US Government sometimes.
This is why 'Gays' cant marry.

You are sensitive to a fault. The slightest out-of-earshot whisper or behind-the-back rumor will floor you. You’re a water sign, but unlike the other two—-Cancer and Scorpio—you have no outer shell to protect you. So instead, you swim away. Your defense is to hide, either shutting yourself off in a room or, if that’s not possible, withdrawing mentally into your potent imagination. This is how you write most of your poetry, or paint your most passionate pieces—in a highly-charged, defensive emotional state that’s often triggered by an overheard comment or casual criticism.

Your other defense mechanism is to disappear. You have the uncanny ability to quietly metamorphosize into the walls, becoming unapproachable and therefore reasonably invisible to anyone else in the vicinity.

Both of these reactions, obviously, are dangerously anti-social. If channeled creatively, they can be quite therapeutic, but if not, you need a strong balancing force—either a mate or close friend with a strong foundation, or even therapy.

This state can also lead to an overabuse of drugs or alcohol. You don’t have the constitution, either physically or emotionally, to withstand their affects, and you become addicted easily. You tend to resort to them much too quickly, and the problem just worsens from there.

On a more practical level, you tend to lack self-discipline. Some would say you’re just plain lazy, but it’s more that you’re not interested in mundane facts or routines. You’re so involved in your imaginative world that things like bills and responsibilities are a lesser priority. Here again, you need the balance of a mate who is business-minded and pragmatic.

Finally, you have a hard time making up your mind about anything. You are a wonderful adapter, a chameleon even—if you’re interested in someone who is passionate about, say, gardening, you immediately will learn everything there is to know about gardening, so you can enjoy it with them. Most of the time, though, you’ll find that you’ll soon lose interest and something else will fascinate you. That’s okay, as long as those around you understand and appreciate your free-spirited playfulness. If not, find someone who does.

The Claddagh Ring.

"The Claddagh's distinctive design features two hands clasping a heart, and usually surmounted by a crown. The elements of this symbol are often said to correspond to the qualities of love (the heart), friendship (the hands), and loyalty (the crown).

 

The way that a Claddagh ring is worn on the hand is usually intended to convey the wearer's romantic availability, or lack thereof.

 

Traditionally, if the ring is on the right hand with the heart facing outward and away from the body, this indicates that the person wearing the ring is not in any serious relationship, and may in fact be single and looking for a relationship: "their heart is open."

 

When worn on the right hand but with the heart facing inward toward the body, this indicates the person wearing the ring is in a relationship, or that "someone has captured their heart".

 

A Claddagh worn on the left hand ring finger facing outward away from the body generally indicates that the wearer is engaged.

 

When the ring is on the left hand ring finger and facing inward toward the body, it generally means that the person wearing the ring is married."

I turned my ring over for you today. I know that we aren't anything. I know that we never will be, but the way you make me feel makes me believe that I wont find anyone better. They say there are other fish in the sea - that there is no such thing as a soulmate, only people you are compatible with. I refuse to believe that. I think that you might be the one that is my soulmate, or maybe, if you believe that way, the one I'm compatible with. I just wish that you could see and understand that the same way I do.

I was on the bus this afternoon on the way home from State Concert Festival, and while I should have been happy that we got a distinguished rating, I couldn't help but wonder if you would be proud of me. Every song on my iPod reminded me of something we had talked about, something that you implied to me, or something you meant to me. Never have I been this so... deep. 

I question everything now. I overanalyze everything. Maybe it's me growing up, maybe it's be going over my head in thoughts and wondering, hoping for the best. I even wrote a song for you. I'll never share it - I'll never finish it. I've learned songs for you. I know the things we have in common - art and music. you have the IQ of a genius, and you're becoming an artist. You play those shitty guitars in a way that makes me melt. 

Maybe it's because we're so similar and yet so different. But whatever it is, I wish you could see it the way I do.

I hope you and her the best. She isn't me - she will never be me. I will never be lucky enough to be in her place. But I am willing to wait. I am willing to sit back and wait it out - hope that you are happy. And I hope to god that you were serious about being my prom date my senior year. I would travel to see you - I'd travel miles. But I can't. I'm lowly and boring and poor. 

but as great as you make me feel - you also deserve the best, and that is what only she can give you. i can't do that. I keep hoping that maybe if I move on, flirt and do terrible things to my body, that I'll get over you. But I think the only way that I can do that... is to tell you straight up and get your reaction. 

I know what I'm hoping for, but I know what I'll get.

I just hope you meant it when you said you and I would still be close in thirty years. 

Rebecca Fuqua today was taking to Taylor Copeland about suicide and then about five minutes after their conversation was over, Rebecca turned around and looked at me and legitimately and honestly asked me if she had offended me. She looked genuinely scared that she had done something wrong and that she had killed my spirit.
Sigh. I need to get out of my head and accept the fact that people just believe I'm a suicidal, dykey lesbian.

Jenna is quite possibly my favorite youtuber.

you get a certain feeling when you find someone whose special to you. and i can't help but get that feeling every single time we talk. and i know it isn't much for someone as small as me to give a shit about someone as magnificent as you, but... somehow, i wish it mattered.

"It's not something I'm just quite ready to tell you yet, Sarah. One day... when I'm not terrified I'll tell you. It could make me feel better... it could kill me. It just depends, yaknow? Anyways. Have a good sleep. I love you."
"I know the feeling, bb. Like I said, you've got me whenever you're ready. Even if its in thirty years. i love you too."

just come to me like now.

"As the record became apparent to me, at the very least I was trying to leave a message in a bottle for my daughter. Instead of making a record about being a new dad, it was more about, like, I want this record to be for her at 15, or whatever. And that’s the notion of where ‘Save Yourself, I’ll Hold Them Back’ came from. Because it’s a song that I want her to look back on, and if anything ever were too happen… her to know that her dad and her uncles are like these guys who were actually, um, not necessarily always cupcakes."

tonight was brilliant.

even though we are all going to get in trouble for being out too late, it was so much fun.
kyle and jared have so quickly become my best friends that it is crazy. i love them. they're fabulous people and I can tell them anything and not feel the tiniest bit weird or awkward.

my original blog post plan for tonight was going to be these adorable pieces from The Dove Keeper. Then... I stumbled upon StoryCorps.

I need to grow some balls.

There is no woman in the world who inspires me more that Lindsey Ballato. I chose to call her by her maiden name for a lot of reasons, but mostly because if i call her Lindsey Ballato-Way then people just assume I adore her because shes my hero's wife. It isn't like that.

This bitch is strong. She isn't afraid to admit that she's mildly gross all the time, does some fucked up things, and isn't perfect. I love it. I want to be able to admit that I'm not perfect. That I'm pretty fucked up, and admit all of my flaws. I'm just not there yet.

She says some amazing things and taught me that I don't need to give a flying fuck what I look like to anyone else and that I can be whoever I want to be - just like her husband. Does that change anything? Hell no. Does it make me like her more because of her husband? Hell no.

I regret the fact that I didn't go to that signing in 2007 almost every day now. I was too busy waiting for her (then boyfriends) band. I missed a great chance. I might have been a little different now. I might have more balls.

After talking to Mr. Benningfield yesterday, I need to sack up and get over myself. I need to get rid of these petty fears that are holding me back (and there are a lot of them). I need to just.... grow up. Mature a little faster. But what hit me the hardest? The fact that he told me that I was growing up too fast. Thrusting myself out there too fast. 

Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm trying to be an adult too fast. But at the same time - do I want to be a kid anymore? I already have to solve more adult problems every fucking day at home, and maybe life is moving a little faster than my age will take me. Does this piss me off? No. Should it? Probably. 

I'm still going to Theater Arts Academy. I'm going to miss my friends, and i might be miserable. I might regret my decision. But right now - I think this is better for me. When I walked into that sound room and saw what I could do with those lights, I am not kidding you, I cried. I had to pull over on the side of the road and cry to avoid having a wreck. I think that I belong there.

Maybe I'll just listen to Lindsey Ballato and pursue my dreams. Give it a shot.

my wife is going to play me songs. i love her. oh my god. <3

angry.

i love the fact that i am so easily replaced around here. i fucking tell you everything that i don't tell anyone else, and you don't have the time to talk to me, tell me the truth, or hang out with me anywhere. you yell at me all the time and it does't help when you pretend nothing happened.
i've invited you over every day for the last three weekends.
you're always busy.
then i always find out you were with someone else.
honesty is always the best policy, right?
what the fuck ever. i'm so sick of everything.
brb, sleeping forever.

“Sometimes you get depressed, things are depressing. Sometimes you get desperate. But there’s a lot of people you can talk to. You can find a teacher, best friend, parent, therapist, anybody, a guy working at the Dunkin’ Donuts, I really don’t care. But one thing you guys never, ever do, and I’m sure you all know this but I’ll say it anyway: You never resort to violence.” -Gerard Way

Gerard Way - the only father figure I've ever had.