im fucking sick of this.

i shouldn't want to do it to myself before my fucking birthday. im tempted to do it again. i want to do it again. i want it to work this time. my mother always fucking yells at me. she just snapped at me because i asked her if i need to order glow paint online for my party on friday that she didn't help me organize at all. while i feel like shit though - i also feel like finally someone gives a shit about me. I've never had my friends really recognize my birthday. no one ever says happy birthday to me of their own free will. no one ever tells me that i look nice that day or anything. but i was surrounded with attention today because my hair is purple. i felt like someone cared today and it was kind of awesome. and i got told that i was basically going to be the leader of my glee club in 40 days. but does this change the intense need i have to do what i want to do? fucking no - of course it doesn't. i need a therapist or someone who will listen.