i almost cried in glee club today. we started singing 'If I Die Young' by The Band Perry, and I couldn't do it. They played that song at Jacey's visitation. I still miss her so much. I need a grave to visit. I can't. Just. Ugh. I have no closure.

i hate being home.

most kids don't like going home because of one reason or another. They have to clean, babysit, do homework, they're grounded, etc. Me? My mother ruins my day.
I come home and sleep because at night, she screams and yells so much that it makes me mind race.It makes me wonder what I did wrong to make her tell me that she wants to be disappear, that she wants to kill herself every day.
I don't remember the last time my mother and I went a night without arguing. She never apologizes. I'm always the one that says I'm sorry for anything that happened, which makes he more angry. I can't breathe in my house without making a contrary move that changes the entire day.
She yells about what time it is when I get up in the morning. She yells about why the bus isn't there at the exact same time every day. She yells about the weather. Then when I get home she threatens to kill herself of me because the cat pushed over the food bowl. She threatens not to feed me anymore. she threatens not to buy food.

I just don't understand how some kids biggest problem is that they have homework that night, when mine has to be

• am i going to have pants to wear tomorrow?
• am i going to get any sleep?
• am i going to have a ride home from school?
• is my mother going to cook dinner?
• do we have enough money to pay the cell phone bill?
• is the electricity going to get shut off?
• Is my moms car going to make it home?
• my mom even going to come home?

I wish I had a day when my biggest worry was whether or not I needed to watch my sibling when I got home.

thank you. so much. for giving me the inspiration to pick up my instruments and /give a fuck/ again.

for inspiring your husband to make music again that inspires me to live everyday.

thank you for being you and telling me that someone as amazing as you can come from somewhere as small as here.

we don't love them enough.

I have serious irrational fears about the My Chemical Romance boys. I know I talk about it a lot, but I'm uch a die hard fan that it doesn't matter to me. Don't like? Don't read.

In the past two months alone, I have spend over 500 dollars on this band. Does that justify my love? No.
I've only attended one show. Do I love them any less than someone who has seen them 7 times? No.
I've been a fan for 7-8 years. Does that make me a bigger fan? No.

I genuinely love these men more than anything else that is in my life right now, or anything else ever before. There is nothing else that brings me more joy than to have their merch show up at my door step, or to buy tickets for the show, or to create and design my outfit for Methane Detonator.

Nothing ever before has made me this happy, and made me want to by myself. They make me want to grow up, be realistic, and be who I want to be.

Oh yeah. And they make me want to wear a lot of leather and such.

And have kids as cute as theirs. I mean really, look at Cherry & Lily & Bandit and tell me that they aren't the cutest motherfuckers ever.

movies i need to watch: a list.

1. Big Fish
2. Batteries Not Included
3. The Crow
4. Field of Dreams
5. Night of 1000 Corpses
6. Shawn of the Dead'
7. Donnie Darko
8. A Clockwork Orange
9. a shitload more.

everyone has the moment.

Those moments where you feel alive for once. Where you are real. Where you can feel everthing around you. When you know that everything is going to be okay - it can only go uphill from here. You're going to be fine. Everything is great. You become creative again, and working on new projects isn't so far away. Everything just has a light. There is a beauty in lying your fingers on those guitar strings again, or pressing those buttons that you had forgotten to love. Everything feels just.... good. For me, it's at a concert venue or in a theater or in an art studio or behind a video camera. Being put in front of aspects of my life that I can control, that I can help create makes everything float away. Nothing else matters to you than that little thing that makes your life complete. The chills of the air that passes through your bones is gone - you're happy. Finally. Happy again. You're on cloud nine and theres nothing but ocean water below you.

I wish I was there again.

“She won’t be the only one,
she’s not asking
what you’re going to tell your daughter
she’s asking
what you’re going to teach your son.”

"those boys are bad influences, Megan. They're just going to contaminate you and make you hate yourself."

nothing pisses me off more than when my family says this to me.
I'm sorry, but when I found this band, I wasn't scared to be myself. This fucked up, weird kid that I am. I don't mind being weird. I don't mind thinking differently than everyone else. I don't mind being a little enclosed. I don't mind that I love my comic books more than most people. I don't care. I just care about music and words and things that are inspiring. Things that make me happy. Things that don't judge me like you have taught me to judge. Because of you I will never think of someone as anything besides a label and that hurts me in the long run. I'm fixing myself. I'm trying really hard. And you know why? Because these four men told me that it was okay to be fucked up. It's okay to be sad, and I'm worth more. And I fuckin' love them more than anything else.

read up.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Pansexual

I am going to get a tattoo on the back of my right thigh one day.

i just don't know which mcr symbol to get. hmmm.. whatchu think?

i love them all, but the spider and the hanging man are calling my name. they're just better symbols.

everything i want seems so far off an unattainable.

everyone thinks im a lesbian and a vegetarian.

maybe its time that i make one of those true.

why yes, this is my hero.

thanks for asking.

i've been pronouncing Jamias name wrong this whole time.

I've stalked their relationship since I was like 12. -.-
How do you get Juh-MEE-ah out of JAMIA?
HER NAME IS SO FUCKED UP.
JUHMEEAH EYEEAROH.

You think you're saying something relevant as you connect the dots. You never realized you have to get in line to suck a cock.
You're telling me that fifty million screaming fans are never wrong? I'm telling you that fifty million screaming fans are fucking morons.

Boo fuckin hoo you're not the only one whose live's a piece of shit. And yet miraculously somehow we all seem to deal with it.
Did anybody think that you would really seriously slit your wrists? In fact I think that everybody thinks you're seriously full of shit.

and this moment changed my life forever.

December 7th, 2004.

i hate about ninety percent of my "friends".

Just, for the record. I don't want to have to spend my lunch period listening to bitches talk about how it is "the second coming". As a globe, there have been many times where countries fight against each other and the moon looked red, and everyone got sick and blah blah blah.
get over it. Jesus was just a cool dude. Mary is just a symbol for femininity and how none of you fuckers would be here without her. and jesus wasn't supposed to die on the cross - it was an accident. they don't talk about that. It takes much longer for someone to die on a crucifix than it took him. He wasn't dead when they put him in the tomb - more than likely, someone else figured that out and opened the tomb before he died from blood loss or gangrene.

Also - Libya shouldn't be left alone. Japan shouldn't be left alone. We are humans. We are all humans. We all need to help each other, not just sit idly by. If we do that, then when California breaks off from the states and chills with Alaska forever because of some crazy earthquake like Japans, you'll all look to me for my opinion and I'll simply laugh and say "I fuckin' told you so." because no one will help us if we don't help them. Thats not how the world works.

sexuality and women.

why is it that as an american society, we think that all couples should look like they came straight off the coast of california or that they should look similar and carry themselves the same way? What is to say that you cannot love someone despite their looks or size? Whos to say that a woman should look like Katy Perry or Megan Fox? Why to we expect all men to look like Shaq or Brad Pitt? I would much rather have someone in my life who isn't all about their looks, and cares more about me than they do how they look in the morning. I don't want some scary buff man. I'd rather go get matching tattoos with someone than to go to the gym every morning.
I'm sorry, but lately everyone I know has been pushing me and telling me that they are convinced I like women or nothing at all because there is nothing i want around where I live. Everyone says that I will never be in love because my standards are too high, I'm too manly, I'm too big, I'm too into my head, I'm too this, too that. I know what I want from my life, and although having a love life would be an awesome thing to have, getting where I need to be is more important to me. I will find my way on my own and though it would be great to have someone to share it with, that isn't my key priority.
One day I want a family. A little girl or a little boy with a husband or just a fiancee that loves me, my love for vices, and my love for ink and art. I will always love my stereo more than I love anything else in this world, and nothing else will ever change that. I will never be some woman who is obsessed with her looks or what people think about her. I know it seems like I am obsessed with the things my friends think of me lately, but this is my place to vent and be a 'hypocrite' if that is how we want to look at it.

I am allowed to be fat. I'm allowed to listen to Kanye West, Kid Cudi, My Chemical Romance, The Used, Carter Hulsey, and Never Shout Never in the same day if i damn well please.
I'm allowed to love that carbonated shit mixed with cranberry juice.
I am allowed to want to have fancy italian dinner one night and eat at a sports bar the night after.
I am allowed to build my own culture, and my culture consists of artists and individuality.

in all honesty?

am i just drastically losing confidence and listening to what other people are saying about me, or is it all true?
i dig that im kind of mysterious, but no one knows whats going through my head lately.

rtiuaibcasdfkjbfubthgiinkablwieyggakfidjbtusiwahntadtbfkgjbafdigtutobtaibgfulkjkbfgckityabdfkjbrgiekrlajbssdt
pfsh. try to read that shit then.

The world is ugly. 

But you're beautiful to me. 

Are you thinking of me? 

Like I'm thinking of you. 

I would say I'm sorry, 

But I really need to go. 

I just wanted you to know; 

That the world is ugly 

But you're beautiful to me. 

Are you thinking of me? 

Are you thinking of him? 

You could say you're sorry, 

But I think you both should go. 

I just wanna heal tonight. 

There's an ache in my heart 

&& there's a burning in my eyes 

I can tell her this time, 

But I'd rather her not try 

I can find a new place 

Where no one knows my life 

But I think it's just a phase. 

Oh, are you happy now, 

Now that you got what you came for? 

Are you, are you happy now? 

Happy that you got what you came for? 

Are you happy now, 

That you got, what you came for? 

Are you? 

Are you happy now, 

That you got what you came for?

i also wish my best friend would talk to me.

Harley - I miss you. I wish you would talk to me. Its so obvious that something is wrong and you always came to me for everything. I miss that. I miss you. I miss you. I miss you.
I miss nerding out. i miss sleepovers. I miss you being able to talk to me. You were the best thing I had and now I feel like I'm all alone again.
This blows.
Love, Ivy.

‘What a Wonderful World’ is one of my favourite songs ever. It brings me back to two places, actually. Once when I was seven, my grandfather played drums, and his band played it. It was the most amazing song I ever heard. I remember I danced with my grandmother. It also reminds me of a time last winter when I was with the person I am in love with currently, and we sat in a room and just watched the snow fall. We listened to that song and it felt like I was a little kid staying home from school.”

— Frank Iero

We played this song at our Jazz Band concert tonight and it sounded beautiful. I wish I had read this quote about  24 hours earlier. It would have made me play a little better. I hope he gets a little twang in his heart when he realizes how many kids look up to him and thank him every day for simply living and giving them inspiration like he does me.

"Licentia unus quod consilio dum vos procul is," Gerard read, making the sign of the cross over Frank's head. He placed his palm against the top of Frank's head and read, "Servo eis tutus.."

Gerard closed the book, then hesitated for a second before hanging his rosary around Frank's neck. He glanced back at Mikey with an unreadable expression, then laid his palm on Frank's chest. He said, "You were right."

"About what?" Frank frowned.

"I can't do it," Gerard said, and then he punched Frank in the face.

It happened so fast there was no time for Mikey to get to him, to stop him, to even really understand what was happening. Frank stumbled when Gerard hit him and fell, skidding backwards across the stage, landing in a crumpled heap by the amps. Mikey had time to see Bob running towards him, to hear Brian shouting, "Father, no," but it was too late, Gerard had already thrown himself into the light.

He was still for a long moment, suspended as Pete had been, and then the horrible roaring sound started up again and Gerard's body started twisting violently, thrashing as the energy coursed through him. Mikey could see Frank trying to get back on the stage, Bob holding him back, and he didn't even realize he was moving himself until he felt Ray's arms around him, holding him still.

"It's too late," Ray shouted over the roaring. "It's too late, Mikey, you'll get yourself killed."

The light around Gerard grew brighter and brighter, and the noise grew louder and louder, until it reached a crescendo and the light exploded, filling the room and Mikey had to close his eyes so they wouldn't be burned out of his skull.

When he opened them again, the noise had stopped. The light had faded. Gerard was lying on the ground.

"Gee!" Mikey ran to him; he could hear the others behind him but he got there first, falling to his knees and gathering Gerard up into his arms, pushing his hair off his face. "Are you okay? Gerard. Gerard!"

Gerard didn't respond. His face was slack and he was limp in Mikey's arms.

"He's unconscious," Mikey told Brian, who'd just skidded to his knees next to him. "Gerard!" he called, shaking Gerard slightly. "Gerard, come on, it's okay, it's over. It's – Gerard?"

Gerard still didn't say anything He still didn't wake up. His eyes were open.

"His eyes are open," Mikey told Brian, who was doing something Mikey didn't understand, pressing his fingers into the side of Gerard's neck.

Brian shook his head, frowning. He kept his fingers pressed under Gerard's ear for a long time. Then he took one of Gerard's wrists in his hands, and then the other. He looked up at Mikey. He said in a strange voice, "I don't think he's unconscious."

Mikey looked down at Gerard. "But he's not moving. He can't hear me."

"Mikey," said Brian. He was holding Gerard's hand. "Mikey, he's dead."

It wasn't true. Obviously it wasn't true. Mikey told Brian that, he told him again and again, screamed at him to stop touching Gerard if he was going to say that, to get away from him, to leave them alone. He held Gerard tighter to him and touched his face; he called his name, again and again.

Gerard didn't say anything. His eyes were open.

A long time later, someone touched Mikey's shoulder. It was one of the suits. Howard. He was wearing sunglasses. His lips moved.

"What?" Mikey said.

"I'm sorry for your loss," Howard said, kneeling down on the floor. "I understand that this is a difficult time for you, but we need to get Father Way's body back to the Vatican."

the perfect man.

i'm tired.

people always ask me why I'm so tired and fall asleep in all my classes. Theres a couple reasons why.

1. Bethany/Party Poison/My Australian
2. Fan Fictions.
3. TUMBLR.
4. the new panic at the disco CD.
5. planning my life.
6. hating my life so much that i dont want to sleep so i wont miss anything
7. the Very Much Alive Hopeline.
8. drawing.
9. Writing.
10. Reading.
11. watching inspirational concert videos and crying for at least an hour
12. wishing i was happy again.
13. being lonely.

i post a lot. this is how my brain works. when it gets started it doesnt stop.

I love this blog. I love having this personal blog. Sure, I have more blogs that I keep up with that I like to have lots of people read or no one read at all. This one is the most realistic besides my Voldemort.
Thisis where I feel like I can really post whatever I want and feel no remorse. Just like right now I will post more songs because I can do that. Because this is my personal blog.

i got my car today.

want to be inspired?

"Oh," Gerard said happily, making Mikey turn his full attention to him. "I got an email from Nicole." 

"Yeah?" Mikey pulled himself up so he could see Gerard properly. "How's she doing?" 

"Good," Gerard said absently. "She made the Dean's List..." he trailed off, lost in concentration. 

"Who's Nicole?" Bob wanted to know. 

"One of Gee's kids from when he was a youth minister," Mikey told him, and Bob nodded. 

That wasn't exactly the whole story. It was true, but the full version had a lot more secret abortions and community scandal and Gerard getting screamed at for not telling Nicole's parents that she'd been abused by her uncle, even though he couldn't, because she'd told him in confession and that was like the most sacred thing ever. 

He hadn't even told Mikey, he'd just worried Mikey sick by calling him all the time and saying, "I can't talk about it," then doing frightened breathing down the phone. 

Mikey privately thought that the whole sanctity of confession thing was bullshit. Crime was crime, and if you knew something bad was happening you should be able to go to the police. The worst part was that when Nicole told Gerard she was pregnant, he was technically supposed to tell her that God wanted her to keep the baby. 

Except he didn't. And he went with her to the clinic, and everybody found out, and...Mikey was pretty sure it was the second worst week of Gerard's life, beaten only by the death of their grandmother for sheer unadulterated suck. The thing that made Mikey the maddest was the way all the awesome things Gerard had done for like, high school attendance, and getting kids to come to Mass instead of robbing the convenience store or whatever were just brushed aside, like they didn't matter because he told kids they ought to use condoms and didn't think that the Church's official position on abortion was a good enough reason to tell fifteen year-old girls to keep their incest rape babies. 

The upside of the story was that after it all came out, Nicole's parents moved her away and her uncle went to jail and now she was in college and doing great. But Mikey wasn't going to bust that out to Bob, certainly not in front of strangers. He hadn't even told Frank, and he kind of hoped he never had to, because he was pretty sure that Frank finding out Gerard was stripped of his youth ministry over his involvement with Nicole would trigger a Frank Hates the Church bitchfit to end all other bitchfits.

its to the point where i just post lyn-z/gerard so harley and i can fangirl over how cute they are.

no mom, im not the best thing you have.

im fucked up. end of story.

my mother took me out of my show tonight and i think i might kill her. not only did she cause a scene, but she did it in front of not only everyone i know, but also compelte strangers. made me lose my great place. I didn't get to buy merch or talk to lee. that just made me angry. i think i can live with that.
but the fact that she had no remorse for it, and that she didn't care that it was taking Kaeley and I away form each other pissed me off the most. i have no friends. zero. im tired of being alone all the time. im alone at home. im alone at school. im alone. all the time. im tired of being alone. when Kaeley is around I don't worry about it. I don't cry every morning before I go to school. I don't dread going to sleep because it means the next day comes faster. I don't hate my life as much. I don't get onto the verge of tears when I open my locker.
She doesn't get that I can't talk to Kaeley all the time. Texting is a hassle and we both hate phone calls. it isn't the same.
and then she tells me that shes sick and needs to go home, and that brian has to get up early. we get home before the show is over, and they sit around for another hour. my mom is still awake and not sick at all.
its such fucking bull shit.
my grandfather hopefully bought my crv today.
the day i get my full license i am never coming home.

I just learned that I almost had a sibling. An older sibling by three years.

Do you know how much I would have loved to have grown up with someone? I've always wished I had an older brother. Someone to take care of me that could have been in a band with me and played guitar with me. A best friend who never left. Someone who could have beaten the shit out of my ex boyfriends. Someone who would have taught me to be stronger.
I want an older sibling so bad. i could have had a relationship like them. ugh.

this song pertains to my life.

speaking of the Nestor-Iero family, happy Anniversary to my favorite couple in the world.

happy three years. i love you two a lot.