holidays.

i seem to be the only one i know that really hates the holidays.
my family isnt exactly... privileged in the money department, and everyone else seems to know how to make ends meet. Lately, we have been more worried about how to pay the bills or if she has five dollars to let me go out to eat at mcdonalds or pay someone to give me a ride somewhere.
My mom doesnt seem to get why i am always upset around christmas. i want to have a normal holiday season like every one else and be able to buy gifts for all of my friends and have money to give to the ones that i dont know what to get for. I want to be the girl who gives al of her teachers gift cards, but lately that just isnt possible.
I also never get what i really want for christmas. I make these elaborate lists so that i dont get all excited for a specific thing that I want for christmas, and due to the fact that we cant do early shopping, i never get it.
It sucks so badly to be told by your mother that as hard as she tried, she couldnt get you what you wanted for christmas. To be told that the main thing you wanted, as far in advance as you told her, that it was limited and they were only going to have so many, and the day before she could gather the 80 dollars to buy it, that it wasnt there anymore.
And it honestly breaks my heart to see my mother try so hard to do everything she can to make my christmas awesome like it was when i was little, yet it just isnt going to happen again. to see her look on the internet for days on end to find that one thing, and everyone who got it isnt going to sell it for any amount of money.
I dont want a pity party. I dont want someone to feel sorry for me. I dont want any of that. I just want Santa back.