His wet hand curves around my chin, pulling my face down to level with his. “I’m going to tell you something right now, and I want you to always remember it. Don’t ever forget the words that are going to come out of my mouth, do you understand me?”

The tone of his voice is so somber, so stern that I find myself nodding within the confines of his hand. I would do anything just to be given some sort of hope right now to confirm that whatever living I’m doing right now is actually worth it.

“Don’t you ever, ever live a certain way just because you know that you’re going to die. You live like you want to, and you don’t regret a single thing. Do you understand what I’m telling you, kitten? Just fucking live.”

well. i think mother midkiff would be proud of me the amount ive been reading. ive read over 300,000 words in the past two days. now, if any of those were real novels and not just online stories, AR points wouldnt be an issue.

Now, as I was reading my current one, /Masquerade/, these lines right here triggered me something awful - .


“When did she die?” I ask softly.

This time, tears spark at his butterscotch irises. “About three years ago, when Mikey moved out.”

“I’m so sorry...”

His breath comes out slow and long, dragging on with a sigh. “Yeah, well, people die. You get over it, don’t you?”


“No, you never get over it. You never do. You just lay out the memories behind you, instead of in front. You clear your path and keep walking on, because your life keeps going. You don’t get over it, but you have to keep moving fast. Otherwise, the world will just leave you behind.”


My nerves went to Jacey. I hope they never remove her Facebook page or i might jump off a bridge. I miss her so much. At least my weekly Jacey sobfest is over for now, right?

I am runnin very well on two hours of sleep in my hotel room in Florida. I love red eye flights more than anything. I am seriously the only one who likes being awake all the time, but I do love sleeping quite a lot. I am a confusing lady. I got to are the Harley and ivy comic book today and it was epic. I bought the umbrella academy because I am a nerd. Nothing like a successful day in Florida. Now, a short nap Before I force my grandfather to take me out for seafood. Yummy!

Delta flight = seriously reccomended if you are flying from international airports.

(2/2) love layovers. This layover in atlanta is gonna be awesome. My life is complete with my fruit cup and green tea frappucino. ILOVEFLYING!

(1/2) I love airplanes and i love flights. It might just be me, but sitting in a room full of people at five am on a sunday morning makes me feel real. Plus, i

holidays.

i seem to be the only one i know that really hates the holidays.
my family isnt exactly... privileged in the money department, and everyone else seems to know how to make ends meet. Lately, we have been more worried about how to pay the bills or if she has five dollars to let me go out to eat at mcdonalds or pay someone to give me a ride somewhere.
My mom doesnt seem to get why i am always upset around christmas. i want to have a normal holiday season like every one else and be able to buy gifts for all of my friends and have money to give to the ones that i dont know what to get for. I want to be the girl who gives al of her teachers gift cards, but lately that just isnt possible.
I also never get what i really want for christmas. I make these elaborate lists so that i dont get all excited for a specific thing that I want for christmas, and due to the fact that we cant do early shopping, i never get it.
It sucks so badly to be told by your mother that as hard as she tried, she couldnt get you what you wanted for christmas. To be told that the main thing you wanted, as far in advance as you told her, that it was limited and they were only going to have so many, and the day before she could gather the 80 dollars to buy it, that it wasnt there anymore.
And it honestly breaks my heart to see my mother try so hard to do everything she can to make my christmas awesome like it was when i was little, yet it just isnt going to happen again. to see her look on the internet for days on end to find that one thing, and everyone who got it isnt going to sell it for any amount of money.
I dont want a pity party. I dont want someone to feel sorry for me. I dont want any of that. I just want Santa back.

or any other point in my life ever.

pictures that inspire thought in me.

relationships.

 

This is the only couple in the history of the world who has ever given me hope in a relationship or a marriage. People who know my history understand this sometimes, but most dont. See - the only relationships i have ever been in were destructive. there was nothing based on a mutual like for someone, and that terrifys me. 

 and it really angers me when people say that i dont have a relationship because im a bitch or because i act like i dont want one. REMEMBER THE BRODICE.

 this couple signifys everything i could possibly want from a relationship. ever. someone that is sweet and has similar interests and is a genuinely good father. someone i could have children with and not hate my life. 

of course, children being a LONG time from now. like, 30.

But still. If there is a god, bring me a boy. a good one. and a cute one please,

This is simply a test to see how this works. Im starving.

disappointment.

i will never have children simply because i do not want to be a disappointment to them like half of my family is to me. Because if I dont ever have a job for some reason, it doesnt hurt anyone else. So that no one else will ever rely on me.  

jacobs school of music in bloomington, indiana.

here i come.




Our curriculum is based upon the idea of a four-year apprenticeship in a major recording facility, but with an extensive educational component. Each semester, Recording Arts students provide all audio production support for the Jacobs School's performance activities. This ranges from simple archival recording of student recitals, to complex sound reinforcement for the Opera Theater. Freshman and sophomores serve as runners and assistant engineers and juniors and seniors serve as lead engineers; planning, mixing, and producing our productions. We also engage in extensive video production for the Opera and Ballet Theater with multi-camera shoots of each performance and live video streaming of our productions.
In their first two years, Recording Arts students complete a four-semester sequence of audio recording and electronics courses.  While lecture based, these courses include a significant lab component. Students complete weekly assignments ranging from basic analog production, to advanced DAW techniques in the audio classes; and from basic circuit design and troubleshooting, to designing and building audio equipment in the electronics courses. Coursework becomes more specialized and project-based during the junior and senior years with a greater emphasis on hands-on production. Students spend considerable time in our studios working independently and in collaboration with other students and faculty.  Students also complete an internship, usually in their final year. They can take advantage of our extensive network of alumni and facilities that have hosted our students over the last 30 years to arrange an internship in virtually any location in the US.

on possibilities and leaving.

i went to a show tonight at boney junes with my best friend, kaeley. the show was fun, all locals that sold things for cheap, and we just had an awesome time. There were about 20 people there that werent in the bands, and that was perfectly fine with me. Less crowds are way more fun.
But in this experience tonight, I was thinking. As always. What do I want to do with my life? I know I want to be in the music industry somewhere after high school, but where do i go? What degree do i shoot for? What schools offer this? How the hell am I going to end up as a tour manager if i start in audio engineering?




So, being me, I went to the sound guy who works there. Tonight, the sound was better than usual. It wasnt the sameold guy who usually does it and messes it up. It was a younger guy named Scott, who was really sweet. After the show, I just went right up to him, and asked him, simply, how he got his job. He started with a bland answer, saying that he just asked for such a job. That couldnt be true, so I dug deeper, asking him where he went to college, and told him that it was what I wanted to do for a living.
This guy grinned so big just then that it made me light up. He gaveme a high five, and told me to go some places in Indiana - Purdue, Vincinnes, wtc, for Audio Engineering or Production. I thanked him, and he went back to packing up his absolutely beautiful sound equipment.
i have never been more excited to get away from hancock county as i am right now. its possible. its in my grasp.
Since I might be moving to Grandview, IN,  its all so possible.
My best friend is leaving me on the 18th to move to a bigger city and come so much closer to realistic life. She has so many more choices in evansville than I do being stuck here. I am honestly not sure what I am going to do on the 18th. I will be getting on a plane to go to Orlando on vacation, and she will be moving an hour and a half from me. What the hell am i supposed to do?
She is going to be living with me this week - tuesday, wednesday and thursday.   Leona is not going to be happy with this, but she is taking my life line away from me. i just hope that this doesnt knock me down and cause me to panic like i did when casey left.
i dont want to hit that again, it was horrible. i just hope i can get to grandview, a shot distance from evansville next year. 

quotes to live by. pt. 1

  You should never want to hurt yourself. You should love yourself. Sometimes you have to kind of die inside in order to rise from your own ashes and believe in yourself and love yourself and become a new person...
-gerard way.

 

paranoia.

after my classes today, i went into mother midkiffs room like i always do when i see her door that is open, and we started to have a discussion about random things like always. my favorite part was of our phobias.
it immediately got me thinking on the bus ride home - why are these things implanted into our minds? is it out overruling government that likes to make us think that we need to not only be this picture perfect being, but also that we must live these clean lives that just strip us of our natural insticts?
like myself- i have a strong phobia of raw meats. i understand exactly where it comes from, because i, myself, am strange about life. due to the fact that personally i do not believe that you continue on to another world like most people believe, you must live this life to the complete fullest that you have. whether this means you are in an animal form,a child, an adult, or otherwise, what right do we have to take the life away from something else? I know for a fact that I wouldnt like to be raised simply for food. I dont even like the idea of family owned farms raising cattle for slaughter around their children. there is simply something demented about raising betty the family cow to take her together to the family slaughter house and chop off her limbs for  thanksgiving dinner with moms side of the family, who bought her for their daughter as her first pet and drank her excess milk with their cereal every morning.
if our government didnt influence us to have these germ-paranoid belifs, would we still live in caves? would we have the ideas that we have?
as much as i love my president, the government before him makes me wonder.