i'm only using this blog because my tumblr is at its daily limit.

why would you move on to another girl when you have feelings for the one before and you know that the one before would give up her life for you? being their best friend isn't going to be helpful.
and ignoring their text messages doesn't help either.

i relapsed tonight.
they are small and not going to cause any harm, but they still got the job done and i feel very numb and in control of myself for a while.

i'm sorry i'm a relapsing failure.
i love you.

So there is this lovely girl in my life named Lacey.
And I adore her to little tiny bits.
But today she came into my rehearsal at Oewnsboro High for my show this weekend and sat with me for two hours, just watching and inning quiet and adorable.
And then after these during notes, I realized she was looking at me and giving me signs with her hands. Like, sign language. I don't know any sign language and I know I should learn. Bt I just smiled and asked her about it later. Ccome to find out, she was saying "you're so pretty" to me over and over in sign language. Knsfkgjsnfg
And she also today, on her out day from class, get me two new My Little Pony keychains from McDonald's. She got them for me without me asking, or even talking about them. Which means she thought of me.
Ive never been so happy with anyone in my life. I mean, she hurts me a lot. Don't get me wrong, but the times that I love like tonight.... Totally beat out any bad times I have to stay up all night worrying about her safety.
She even said "I love you" first tonight. Kvkhbscv.
She makes me swoon.

I've been having the worst days.

Bethany wouldn't Skype with me last night which made me feel all shitty and unwanted

And now I'm hurting over fucking sarah
God
Fucking
Damnit

Why am u so upset?

I thinknit might be that I am just so tired.
So tired of being alone.
Everyone I love has a significant other or a best friend.
Which makes me third wheel. Again.
And again.
And again.

So there are days when I really sit and think about my relationship and right now is one of those.
Although none of my feelings for Bethany have changed, it still makes me think. Am I doing the right thing? Am I willing to wait potentially forever and never see her face? Or do I move along with my life and go after Lizzeh or Lacey? No one that ever enjoys my company is ever attractive - and besides, that really isn't the issue.

But Lacey... She actually asked me on a date. A real date. With food and movies and snuggles. Something I can't ge with Bethany. Physical touch. I can read words on a screen for a long time, but sagger a while it feels like I am dating a character in a novel. Something I will never sewe or touch. Especially when it comes to times like this.... Hr webcam hasn't worked since October.

When I can see her face it brings back all that light and happiness. it makes me feel like a real person. I can still be free and do anything I want when I'm out in public, but I will always have the inkling that says "leave her! Hook up!" but I can't bring myself to do it. Does everyone in a reallylong distance relationship feel this way?

"oh, you have the hot sub today," - Danica
"but your idea of hot and my idea of hot are two different things." - Me
"true. My idea of cute isn't the same as anyone elses." -Danica
"if he dent look like he's homeless, he's not cute." - Me
"well... He looks very..." - Danica
"like he has a home?" - Me