i almost cried in glee club today. we started singing 'If I Die Young' by The Band Perry, and I couldn't do it. They played that song at Jacey's visitation. I still miss her so much. I need a grave to visit. I can't. Just. Ugh. I have no closure.

i hate being home.

most kids don't like going home because of one reason or another. They have to clean, babysit, do homework, they're grounded, etc. Me? My mother ruins my day.
I come home and sleep because at night, she screams and yells so much that it makes me mind race.It makes me wonder what I did wrong to make her tell me that she wants to be disappear, that she wants to kill herself every day.
I don't remember the last time my mother and I went a night without arguing. She never apologizes. I'm always the one that says I'm sorry for anything that happened, which makes he more angry. I can't breathe in my house without making a contrary move that changes the entire day.
She yells about what time it is when I get up in the morning. She yells about why the bus isn't there at the exact same time every day. She yells about the weather. Then when I get home she threatens to kill herself of me because the cat pushed over the food bowl. She threatens not to feed me anymore. she threatens not to buy food.

I just don't understand how some kids biggest problem is that they have homework that night, when mine has to be

• am i going to have pants to wear tomorrow?
• am i going to get any sleep?
• am i going to have a ride home from school?
• is my mother going to cook dinner?
• do we have enough money to pay the cell phone bill?
• is the electricity going to get shut off?
• Is my moms car going to make it home?
• my mom even going to come home?

I wish I had a day when my biggest worry was whether or not I needed to watch my sibling when I got home.

thank you. so much. for giving me the inspiration to pick up my instruments and /give a fuck/ again.

for inspiring your husband to make music again that inspires me to live everyday.

thank you for being you and telling me that someone as amazing as you can come from somewhere as small as here.

we don't love them enough.

I have serious irrational fears about the My Chemical Romance boys. I know I talk about it a lot, but I'm uch a die hard fan that it doesn't matter to me. Don't like? Don't read.

In the past two months alone, I have spend over 500 dollars on this band. Does that justify my love? No.
I've only attended one show. Do I love them any less than someone who has seen them 7 times? No.
I've been a fan for 7-8 years. Does that make me a bigger fan? No.

I genuinely love these men more than anything else that is in my life right now, or anything else ever before. There is nothing else that brings me more joy than to have their merch show up at my door step, or to buy tickets for the show, or to create and design my outfit for Methane Detonator.

Nothing ever before has made me this happy, and made me want to by myself. They make me want to grow up, be realistic, and be who I want to be.

Oh yeah. And they make me want to wear a lot of leather and such.

And have kids as cute as theirs. I mean really, look at Cherry & Lily & Bandit and tell me that they aren't the cutest motherfuckers ever.

movies i need to watch: a list.

1. Big Fish
2. Batteries Not Included
3. The Crow
4. Field of Dreams
5. Night of 1000 Corpses
6. Shawn of the Dead'
7. Donnie Darko
8. A Clockwork Orange
9. a shitload more.

everyone has the moment.

Those moments where you feel alive for once. Where you are real. Where you can feel everthing around you. When you know that everything is going to be okay - it can only go uphill from here. You're going to be fine. Everything is great. You become creative again, and working on new projects isn't so far away. Everything just has a light. There is a beauty in lying your fingers on those guitar strings again, or pressing those buttons that you had forgotten to love. Everything feels just.... good. For me, it's at a concert venue or in a theater or in an art studio or behind a video camera. Being put in front of aspects of my life that I can control, that I can help create makes everything float away. Nothing else matters to you than that little thing that makes your life complete. The chills of the air that passes through your bones is gone - you're happy. Finally. Happy again. You're on cloud nine and theres nothing but ocean water below you.

I wish I was there again.

“She won’t be the only one,
she’s not asking
what you’re going to tell your daughter
she’s asking
what you’re going to teach your son.”