tonight was brilliant.

even though we are all going to get in trouble for being out too late, it was so much fun.
kyle and jared have so quickly become my best friends that it is crazy. i love them. they're fabulous people and I can tell them anything and not feel the tiniest bit weird or awkward.

my original blog post plan for tonight was going to be these adorable pieces from The Dove Keeper. Then... I stumbled upon StoryCorps.

I need to grow some balls.

There is no woman in the world who inspires me more that Lindsey Ballato. I chose to call her by her maiden name for a lot of reasons, but mostly because if i call her Lindsey Ballato-Way then people just assume I adore her because shes my hero's wife. It isn't like that.

This bitch is strong. She isn't afraid to admit that she's mildly gross all the time, does some fucked up things, and isn't perfect. I love it. I want to be able to admit that I'm not perfect. That I'm pretty fucked up, and admit all of my flaws. I'm just not there yet.

She says some amazing things and taught me that I don't need to give a flying fuck what I look like to anyone else and that I can be whoever I want to be - just like her husband. Does that change anything? Hell no. Does it make me like her more because of her husband? Hell no.

I regret the fact that I didn't go to that signing in 2007 almost every day now. I was too busy waiting for her (then boyfriends) band. I missed a great chance. I might have been a little different now. I might have more balls.

After talking to Mr. Benningfield yesterday, I need to sack up and get over myself. I need to get rid of these petty fears that are holding me back (and there are a lot of them). I need to just.... grow up. Mature a little faster. But what hit me the hardest? The fact that he told me that I was growing up too fast. Thrusting myself out there too fast. 

Maybe he is right. Maybe I'm trying to be an adult too fast. But at the same time - do I want to be a kid anymore? I already have to solve more adult problems every fucking day at home, and maybe life is moving a little faster than my age will take me. Does this piss me off? No. Should it? Probably. 

I'm still going to Theater Arts Academy. I'm going to miss my friends, and i might be miserable. I might regret my decision. But right now - I think this is better for me. When I walked into that sound room and saw what I could do with those lights, I am not kidding you, I cried. I had to pull over on the side of the road and cry to avoid having a wreck. I think that I belong there.

Maybe I'll just listen to Lindsey Ballato and pursue my dreams. Give it a shot.

my wife is going to play me songs. i love her. oh my god. <3

angry.

i love the fact that i am so easily replaced around here. i fucking tell you everything that i don't tell anyone else, and you don't have the time to talk to me, tell me the truth, or hang out with me anywhere. you yell at me all the time and it does't help when you pretend nothing happened.
i've invited you over every day for the last three weekends.
you're always busy.
then i always find out you were with someone else.
honesty is always the best policy, right?
what the fuck ever. i'm so sick of everything.
brb, sleeping forever.

“Sometimes you get depressed, things are depressing. Sometimes you get desperate. But there’s a lot of people you can talk to. You can find a teacher, best friend, parent, therapist, anybody, a guy working at the Dunkin’ Donuts, I really don’t care. But one thing you guys never, ever do, and I’m sure you all know this but I’ll say it anyway: You never resort to violence.” -Gerard Way

Gerard Way - the only father figure I've ever had.