and so it begins.

tonight is the night of no sleep. i'm leaving for chicago tomorrow after school at four and i have to paint this flag and sew together my vest and then paint ANOTHER FREAKING SPIDER on the back of it. god damnit.
i'm not going to have any sleep tonight.
but at this point, i don't care. I'M SEEING MY HEROES TOMORROW, BITCHES.

my mother will NOT ruin this for me.
i feel like one of those kids whos parents ignore them all the time. I haven't had a meal prepared since tuesday of last week. i've been living on rice packets and ramen noodles and guess what?
those are almost gone.
I hate living here. I can't stand it for two more years. I just can't do it.

i'm in a suicide death cult.

this is where i will be all weekend.

right on the magnificent mile. 

im more excited than i could ever, ever say with words. 

just imagine me flailing around in a mask and killjoy outfit. okay.

i have few real loves in my life.

but this week has made me feel awesome. i got to see Kaeley all weekend, Victoria stayed a night, I got to make my outfit, I got to see Harley and the Chapmans. I got to hang out with Kyle, Jacob, and Jared. It was a nice week. I'm all caught up on sleep and I feel /finally/ refreshed. There's only two more months until schools out for summer, and I don't have any plans other than concerts out the ass. 

I'm going to Chicago on Thursday afternoon and staying until Saturday. I get to be in town for Record Store Day and I'm psyched for that too. But not nearly as much as I am excited for this:

four days. i can survive four days. i hope.

don't let me down, boys. i've spent more than four hundred dollars on this already. do not let me down.

hell - i know they won't. i know it will be awesome.

maybe i'll be happier when i get home from staying in a hotel all weekend in chicago where my heart resides with my best friend and my parents, living another weekend without them home.

this is my hero on his 34th birthday.

i love him more than anything.

imagine if he didn't pick up the phone so many years ago. if his manager wasn't on the other side to answer at three am. what would have happened? would i be going to a shallow grave site in belleville, new jersey with other teenagers that were impacted with his music after he left? there wouldn't have been a television broadcast of his funeral. there wouldn't have been closure for the fans that would have been made after his death. the cocaine and booze would have taken him under. there would have been hundreds of thousands of kids whose lives would have been taken at their own hands. i wouldn't be here, for sure.
i think that i have the right to be worried every day if i will wake up and find out that there was a divorce filed, that there was a plane crash, that the shows were cancelled, that a child was sick. people have different priorities and mine is this man and his best friends that make me live each day with my finger in the air, because i don't give a fuck what anyone else thinks because of them. because of them i am not afraid to keep on living, i am not afraid to be myself.

thank you for living past those dark nights - one of them being in my home state where they thought they would never get you out from underneath the stage to take you 'home' or to talk to brian. thank you for getting clean, and continuing. not just for us the fans - but for your growing family and for yourself.
i'm so glad you're happy now.
happy 34th birthday.