mr iero - your love for your children makes me want to have one one day.

serious post.

for once it isnt about bands or music. figures.

So, recently, I have found myself picking at my skin a lot more than usual. I always thought it was normal to completely destroy your lips or your fingertips by chewing on them or scratching a whole lot.

I was reading blogs that I follow, and I found one of them was talking about a disease they had called CSP, which had also come up in one of the stories i was reading. At first, I disregarded it, thinking it was all in my mind.

In the story I was reading, I saw that this boy was wearing gloves when he was nervous to make him feel better, and to keep himself from picking away all the skin on his hands, because it made him feel comfortable.

The boy whos blog I was reading was also talking about how he can never wear shorts because of all the scarring he has from scratching all the time that it leaves scars.

Then, I thought about how Victoria is always picking at her face, but I think it might be because she wants to rid herself of acne, which she shouldnt worry about because she is a teenager for one, and for two, shes absolutely beautiful. No worries for her in the beauty department.

Then, of course, my mind somehow ends up on how much medication my family is on for nerves, depression, ocd, other things. All of these things are ery mild. My grandmother and I were talking about how apparently the insanity didnt really transfer from her and my mother down to me, because they are very insane, and crumble ver easily. Im good at holding everything in, while they cannot. They explode on people at the grocery store, or working at walmart. It scares me to death that I will end up like them.

but out of the ocd tendencies that traveled through generations of my family, how is it possible that I went through without any of their instabilities?

So, i went back to look at the CSP.

I started thinking about all of the things that are just general signs, like picking all of your skin when youre nervous or scratching a lot of constantly having swollen skin from picking. My fingertips are constantly hurting or bleeding from picking them, my lips constantly swollen, my shoes always ruined from scratching them together through the thin material. i am always wearing those gloves when I can, because they make me feel better. Hell - I was wearing them in Evansville with Kaeley the other day because I felt more like myself in the huge mall with those damned gloves on my hands.

So, Im just gonna ignore it for now. But hopefully, like everything else, it will pass by. I really dont want some stupid disease that classifys me in some kind of statistic, nor do i want to see a freaking psychotherapist because i dont want to be another number of students that are screwed up.

anyways.

i just found my pictures from projekt revolution in 2007, when i saw my chem live the first time.

it amazes me that i also found pictures of myself in fifth grade, when i found them.

i just find it so crazy how i barely remember anything from my childhood, but those pictures that i jsut found brought me to tears.

i always used to wish that i was grown up, and that i would be the coolest kid when i got to be sixteen, but here i am, three months and eight days from it, and im the biggest loser i know.

funny how things change like that, right?

but the part that didnt ever change, was my favorite band that got me through so much.

i miss being nine years old, skipping through the hallways with my best friend and being made fun of for it. Then nothing mattered. we were so young and popularity wasnt an issue.

my biggest problem with someone was that they were "trying to be just like me" 

but now, it is me being worried for that same girl that i became friends with, and how different her life is going to be when she has her child.

its funny how everything changes so fast, yet somethings stay constant. 

most people say that their friends and family stays constant through their lives, or their lovers, but it was never that way for me.

Now, i am going to turn up my stereo and hope that I can find my best friend Megan from 4-H camp and her girlfriend on facebook.

"It starts as a trembling in his lower lip. The pale-rose flesh slips out slightly, miniscule quivers that only increase as he tightens and clenches his jaw. Then the flicker of his slender fingers moving to swipe at his cheeks. I reach up languidly with one loose-wristed hand and press two of my fingers gently to the swell of his bottom lip. A low, watery moan escapes as his lips part and he looks down at my face. The crystal tears he was trying to conceal come raining down on my unprotected cheeks, tasting bitterly of salt and rolling into the collar of my t-shirt.

“I made you hurt?” I whisper sadly. My throat is tight and swollen. Sleep lures at me in the form of a fine black mist that clouds the edges of my vision.

He sniffs and wipes his running nose on the sleeve of his thin zip-up jacket, lowering his forehead onto my thin cage of ribs. “Just stay with me, okay? I’m not even close to being ready, so don’t you fucking leave me,” he chokes in a raw voice. He almost sounds guilty.

It is the first time that he has ever acknowledged the fact that I am dying in a darkened light. I almost want to thank him. As the train rattles closer to our reality, I tumble into dense slumber with his muted sobs vibrating into the skin of my stomach."

i hate couples. but i love these two.

 

and i would post pictures of  tyler + kristal but thats weird because theyre my family.

one day i want to get married.

i want to have twins.

i want to have a cute little family with someone i love.

i dont want a stupid white picket fence.

i want so many tattoos i can never get a job.

i want a freaking cute couple like frank and jamia.

Goals:

1. dye my hair red. get rid of this gross blonde and move it to the underside of my hair. recut my bangs and sign up for my surgery.
2. find a fucking cute boy and fall for him.
3. move to grandview
4. get a killer car - prefferably my van, my white corvette, or my blue shiny thing across the road fromt he high school.
5. drive parker findlay crazy. he knows he loves me just wont admit it.
6. be freaking happy again. im so tired of being fake happy.
7. get over this weird social anxiety thing i have going on right now.
8. feel comfortable in my own skin without those damn gloves.
9. stop peeling all the skin off of my fingers.
10. practice guitar.
11. go to kaeleys. a lot. and befriend moose cause hes freaking stellar