i'm only using this blog because my tumblr is at its daily limit.

why would you move on to another girl when you have feelings for the one before and you know that the one before would give up her life for you? being their best friend isn't going to be helpful.
and ignoring their text messages doesn't help either.

i relapsed tonight.
they are small and not going to cause any harm, but they still got the job done and i feel very numb and in control of myself for a while.

i'm sorry i'm a relapsing failure.
i love you.

So there is this lovely girl in my life named Lacey.
And I adore her to little tiny bits.
But today she came into my rehearsal at Oewnsboro High for my show this weekend and sat with me for two hours, just watching and inning quiet and adorable.
And then after these during notes, I realized she was looking at me and giving me signs with her hands. Like, sign language. I don't know any sign language and I know I should learn. Bt I just smiled and asked her about it later. Ccome to find out, she was saying "you're so pretty" to me over and over in sign language. Knsfkgjsnfg
And she also today, on her out day from class, get me two new My Little Pony keychains from McDonald's. She got them for me without me asking, or even talking about them. Which means she thought of me.
Ive never been so happy with anyone in my life. I mean, she hurts me a lot. Don't get me wrong, but the times that I love like tonight.... Totally beat out any bad times I have to stay up all night worrying about her safety.
She even said "I love you" first tonight. Kvkhbscv.
She makes me swoon.

I've been having the worst days.

Bethany wouldn't Skype with me last night which made me feel all shitty and unwanted

And now I'm hurting over fucking sarah
God
Fucking
Damnit

Why am u so upset?

I thinknit might be that I am just so tired.
So tired of being alone.
Everyone I love has a significant other or a best friend.
Which makes me third wheel. Again.
And again.
And again.

So there are days when I really sit and think about my relationship and right now is one of those.
Although none of my feelings for Bethany have changed, it still makes me think. Am I doing the right thing? Am I willing to wait potentially forever and never see her face? Or do I move along with my life and go after Lizzeh or Lacey? No one that ever enjoys my company is ever attractive - and besides, that really isn't the issue.

But Lacey... She actually asked me on a date. A real date. With food and movies and snuggles. Something I can't ge with Bethany. Physical touch. I can read words on a screen for a long time, but sagger a while it feels like I am dating a character in a novel. Something I will never sewe or touch. Especially when it comes to times like this.... Hr webcam hasn't worked since October.

When I can see her face it brings back all that light and happiness. it makes me feel like a real person. I can still be free and do anything I want when I'm out in public, but I will always have the inkling that says "leave her! Hook up!" but I can't bring myself to do it. Does everyone in a reallylong distance relationship feel this way?

"oh, you have the hot sub today," - Danica
"but your idea of hot and my idea of hot are two different things." - Me
"true. My idea of cute isn't the same as anyone elses." -Danica
"if he dent look like he's homeless, he's not cute." - Me
"well... He looks very..." - Danica
"like he has a home?" - Me

So I've met this person thanks to Kelso, and I'm falling really hard really, really fast. That's all.

I thought you were there to support me. God damnit.

Yu know, if you're going to be a bigoted idiot and blabbering your ignorance all over the place, dont get pissed when the librarian splits up your group for talking inappropriately about homosexuality. Fuck you, mrs. Szefi is my hero.

I find myself wondering why I ever fell in love with either of you, really. I'm a theatre nerd, and I can't rink of anything but My Chemical Romance and show tunes on an average day. You like sex and science and maths, while I only enjoy chemistry. B, you only like sitting around at home and writing and you're a family person. Wile I have qualities I love about both of you, icant seem to understand why in the world I ever fell for either f you as hard as I did.

WE ARE READING THE GREAT GATSBY IM SO HAPPY

I just read through all my old posts on here about you, and I miss you so much. Come back to America please, baby. We need to have a real conversation.

I have to do a performance piece with RebeckahSam in theatre and I think we are going to do "Marry The Man Today" from Guys and Dolls. I love it already.

Why is it so hard to find a good (or a plain video) if someone performing a piece from Women and War? It's such a fantastic play... I just want ton watch it again.

i'll be doing this.

1. Many people say the most influential persons in their lives are their parents. That’s just too predictable. Whatunexpected individual has had a significant affect on how your life is headed today?
2. What have you missed out on because of fear? What different sorts of activities or experiences have you chosen not to do? Does fear play a part in your decision-making?
3. Do you consider yourself to be sexually confident? Do you think you have a healthy outlook and perspective on what sex is for and what it means on a deeper level? What is that?
4. What’s the story of your website? How would you feel if it was deleted tomorrow?
5. What was the biggest lie you ever told? Did anyone find out? Did you benefit from it?
6. Have you ever acted in a way that went against your values/morals/ethics? In other words, have you been a hypocrite?
7. When was the last time you inspired someone? Feel free to toot your horn 
8. When was the last time you were truly enraged? What caused that reaction, and was it deserved?
9. Do you have any addictions or obsessions? Maybe you’re a fangirl or an obsessive shopper?
10. What’s the hardest thing you’ve had to overcome?
11. Picture the worst sexual experience you ever had… now either tell us about it or tell us if it was bad because of inexperience, awkwardness, or a dislike for that individual.
12. If you’ve converted from one religion to another (or left religion all together), was there  a “honeymoon” phase after making that decision? How did you feel for the next few months? Has that feeling changed?
13. What traits would someone have who was the opposite of you?
14. How would you feel if you lived single for the rest of your life?
15. If you could do something without anyone knowing what you did, what would you choose and why?
16. Which has had more impact on your life: your situation/environment or your choices? Why do you think so?
17. Start a blog entry with “I wish I could see…”
18. What are the top 5 causes your support and why?
19. List some things your parents taught you that you’re trying to unlearn.
20. Do you think dark periods of life provide the best opportunities to learn? Why or why not?
21. Describe some of the things that make you odd or quirky
22. List the top 3 reasons you make a great friend. What about 3 reasons you’re a poor friend?
23. What trip have you taken that changed your outlook on the world? What did you see?
24. How does your belief system impact the people around you?
25. Are you more of a giver or a taker? What does that mean to you? Is one of them always positive or negative?
26. What “10 Commandments” do you follow in your life?
27. When someone else cries, what do you do? Are you a problem-solver? Do you cry with them? Do you tell them to suck it up?
28. Which fundamental aspects of your personality have remained unchanged since you were a child?
29. What is your main goal at this moment? What is the consequence if you do not achieve it?
30. Are you afraid of being personal on the internet? What are the consequences for, say, answering these questions in public?
31. How would you define a life lived well?
32. How do you feel about receiving a gift of charity or aid from someone else? Has this ever happened to you?
33. How many phobias do you have? What do you fear most? Anything atypical?

this is really just for myself and my future reference, incase I need a good "OH MY GOD MY BAND IS GROWING UP" cry.

me: "you haven't lost our wedding ring yet, riiight?"
S: "of course not! i don't take it off unless I'm drawing. :3"

CRYING WITH HAPPY

i just want to cry. when did we become so distant?
im tired of being worried about this. i want. to. cry.
i just miss you. im sorry if i hurt your feelings or got "clingy".
i just. fuck.
i love you. come back.

lolol reading this all just makes me feel like shit just come up front and tell me id rather you be blunt than hide it