lolol reading this all just makes me feel like shit just come up front and tell me id rather you be blunt than hide it

i auditioned for the film today. im starting to feel like I'm getting my life onto its path and not just dreaming anymore. I got my keyboard back today and connected with my family at dinner. I've lost touch with S, but it is hurting less and less every day, which I guess is good. I convinced my grandfather to buy me a bike rack for my car too. I'm feeling pretty good and confident today.

i was doing so well until i saw your faaaaace.

you were in my dream last night.

We went to Russia on school trips, and we organized to be in the same bunk. For some reason we had an extra girl who didn't have a bed, so we decided to share the twin bed that was yours. We snuggled and talked and had the best time of our lives, knowing we would soon be seperated again and you would go to another country while i went back to our home country. we went skinny dipping, we watched stars. we had so much fun. i brought the presents i bought for you and gave them to you under the moonlight and we both cried as you kissed me for the first time. we went camping one night - just the two of us and did whatever we wanted to. We went to the group sessions and you held my hand every day, kissed me every day at least once. You told me you loved me. You told me we'd be married one day and flew back home together. 

It was the happiest dream I've ever had.

im scared.

you know what it feels like, S? It feels like giant neon sign that reads nothing but: 

how does a simple text message asking how your= day is going turn into this kind of an argument?

why did you have to ask me why I thought you were beautiful?  I can't even be flirty anymore without having someone take it the wrong way.

All I said was: "I dunno, I mean (cue my romanticism) if I were to make an ideal person, it would be you. but closer to me, I guess. I have just never found a flaw."         

S:I have so many flaws all over the place

M: even if you do ive seen them and i love them."

Know what that REALLY did to me? KILLED ME.

my hart is broken and i can't help  it. But whatever makes yourself feel better right? 

I told you I loved you. But you're stil fucking Elena when you know I did. You said you felt the same. You're hurting me, Sara. I can see it all  over your face. But does that change anything? Hell no. I love you for who I know. I am willing to learn more about you. I want you to love me too. More than anything in the world i want you to be happy. I love you, god damnit!

do you know how long it has been since i was happy? I was happy with B for a while and then I felt smothered. I didn't like having a title and I realized just what was happening - I was covering up. But now that I'm technically single, I couldn't be happier. i love it. I have confidence and more spunk and sass than usual. I don't care who sees me out in public or who has an opinion of me. Fuck them. I'm beautiful and I don't give a fuck who thinks differently. because you know what? The one person whose opinion I care about believes I can do anything. I just needed a little push.